


how can i love the heartbreak, you're the one i love

by sassy_dae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Getting Together, Johnny and mark get their hearts broken, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn, but they've got each other cause they are bros, falling in love with someone else, hyuckil fall in love, sorry this is kind of a bummer but also kind of romantic?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28716930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassy_dae/pseuds/sassy_dae
Summary: When Taeil and Donghyuck fall in love, it is slow and subtle; small moments accumulating over time.  But for Johnny and Mark, Taeil and Donghyuck falling in love is heartbreaking, causing them to bend until they break.(Or, the story of Taeil and Donghyuck falling in love, through the eyes of Johnny and Mark—their boyfriends.)
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil, Mark Lee & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 113
Kudos: 243





	1. at the beginning with you

_All love stories start with a fateful meeting._

__

* * *

“I think he’s it. Like, he’s the one,” Mark says happily, sipping the hot chocolate Johnny has prepared for him.

“Really? You know so soon?” Johnny asks, sitting down on the couch and pulling Taeil to him. He throws an arm around Taeil, absentmindedly kissing the side of Taeil’s head as he turns back to his brother.

“We’ve actually known each other for, like, a few years. We met at university and have been friends for a while. But we didn’t start really dating until, like, six months ago,” Mark says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Things have been going really good, and we just started taking things, like, pretty seriously lately, so…”

“How serious?” Johnny arches an eyebrow.

"He just moved into my place,” Mark mumbles, bringing the mug up to his face, trying to hide his blush. Taeil claps excitedly as Johnny smirks at his brother’s coyness.

“Dude, that’s a big deal!” Johnny says, smiling at his brother. “Seems like you’re happy.”

“I am,” Mark smiles, eyes gleaming excitedly. “Like, I _really_ am.”

“You should bring him over for dinner next week,” Taeil suggests, looking up at Johnny for approval.

“Yeah, that’s a great idea! Have him meet us before you introduce him to the parents,” Johnny nods, excited about the idea of meeting his brother’s new beau.

“Are you sure that’s ok? Like, I don’t want to make things more complicated—”

“We usually cook for four anyway since cooking for three is kind of weird,” Taeil insists. “Bring him over. I promise I’ll keep your brother in check,” Taeil smiles up at Johnny, pinching his cheek. Johnny catches Taeil’s hand and kisses it. There are few things Johnny loves more than teasing Mark, but Taeil is one of them, so Mark knows it will be fairly easy to keep him in line. Mark thinks it over for a few seconds before nodding, decision made. 

“Ok, yeah, I think I’ll bring him for dinner,” Mark sits up excitedly, smiling happily. “I think you guys will love him.”

* * *

“It’s been snowing for a while. Hope they make it here safely,” Taeil wonders aloud as he looks outside the window, watching snow fall steadily from the sky. He pouts, going back to browning the meat and keeping an eye on the pot of boiling water. 

“I’m sure they’ll be fine. By the way, do you think he’s vegetarian? It’s going to be awkward if he is,” Johnny says as he places the onions he just chopped in a bowl for Taeil to add to the sauce. 

Johnny goes to prepare a salad while Taeil dumps a box of spaghetti into the water. Like a well oiled machine they work side-by-side. It’s their tradition to cook dinner for Mark every Sunday, something they started when Mark moved to the city to attend university. Years later, Johnny can’t imagine a Sunday night where he’s not beside Taeil, cooking up a feast for them and Mark. And hopefully, if all goes well, they’ll have a fourth mouth to feed on a weekly basis. 

“Mark would have told us. He’s not _that_ empty-headed," Taeil says, setting aside the beef and turning to the sauce bubbling on the stove. 

“You are too easy on him,” Johnny smiles as he kisses Taeil’s cheek on his way to the sink. Taeil has always had a welcoming, easy-going personality. Just one of the many reasons Johnny loves him, and a particular trait he’s happy to have on hand tonight. They’ll need all the help they can get, because when Mark is nervous he can make a mess of things.

“Looks like they've arrived,” Taeil says as he peeks over the windowsill, looking down at the street. Johnny looks over Taeil’s shoulder, spotting Mark’s usual bus arriving.

“Yup, he’s definitely nervous,” Johnny laughs as Mark trips on his way off the bus, almost face-planting if not for his ridiculous reflexes to save him.

When the doorbell rings, Taeil pushes Johnny out of the kitchen, silently reminding him to behave. When Johnny opens the door, he’s greeted by an anxious looking Mark and a man with an easy, bright smile. And a big bottle of red wine. _Good start_ , Johnny thinks as he pulls Mark into a hug. 

“Johnny!” Mark says as he throws his arms around his big brother, hugging him tightly. “Dude, _please_ be nice,” he whispers pleadingly before pulling back and gesturing to the mystery man. 

“This is my boyfriend, Lee Donghyuck. Donghyuck, this is my older brother Johnny.”

“Nice to meet you!” Donghyuck smiles widely, his cheeks bunching up. “I’ve heard a lot about you, including that you really like wine!” He holds up the bottle that Johnny had been eyeing, presenting it to him for inspection. 

Johnny chuckles, shaking Donghyuck’s hand. “It’s really great to meet you too, Donghyuck! Come in and make yourself at home. Dinner should be ready soon. But first, let me take this wine off your hands.” Johnny snatches the bottle and makes a big show of hugging it to his chest. Mark whines, mumbling that he’s embarrassing him, but Donghyuck laughs. And it sounds genuine. 

As Mark leads Donghyuck into the apartment, Johnny watches them for a minute. He notices how Donghyuck walks beside Mark, smiling and nodding intently as Mark talks. He seems friendly and out-going, not at all nervous of walking into a potential lion’s den. In some ways, Johnny is reminded of Taeil. 

Johnny walks back into the kitchen, pulling out wine glasses from the cupboard. Taeil runs around, trying to finish the meat-sauce and not overcook the pasta. He looks relieved when Johnny comes to turn off the burner to the boiling water. “Were you nice?” Taeil asks, knowing that Johnny can’t resists teasing his brother, especially when there is a boy involved.

“Of course I was, because he brought _wine,_ ” Johnny wiggles his eyebrows, showing Taeil the bottle. “I approve of him already.”

“You are so easy to please,” Taeil shakes his head, draining the pasta.

“You’d know, wouldn’t you,” Johnny teases as he hugs Taeil from behind, engulfing him completely. Taeil tries to shrug him off, complaining that he needs to finish cooking, but Johnny simply hugs him tighter, kissing him on the top of his head.

“Gross, get a room!” Mark yells from the living room. Johnny turns his head to look back, winking at Mark, making him groan in embarrassment. Johnny gives Taeil one last big kiss before releasing him from his grasp.

“Yo, Mark. Get over here and set the table. Just because we have a guest doesn’t mean you can slack off,” Johnny yells back, pointing a finger at his brother. 

“By the way, it smells delicious in here. What are we having?” Donghyuck asks as he follows Mark into the kitchen.

"We are having Master Moon’s famous spaghetti with meat-sauce,” Johnny says proudly as he hands Mark a set of plates. As if on queue Taeil pops up from behind Johnny, now wearing his ridiculous chef hat and matching apron. 

“Master Moon Chef, at your service,” Taeil says with bravado, taking a deep bow. Johnny holds back his laughter, turning to see Donghyuck’s reaction. Donghyuck seems struck when he looks at Taeil—eyes big and bright, mouth slightly open in wonder. He leans back on his heels, taking a good look at Taeil before snorting in delighted laughter, lips settling into a crooked smile. He turns to Mark, looking for an explanation. 

“This is Moon Taeil, my brother’s boyfriend,” Mark explains through a giggle. “Who apparently has switched careers to master chef for the night.”

“Not just for the night, Mark, I’ve been cooking for 60 years.”

“You’re in your twenties, babe,” Johnny chuckles, patting Taeil on the arm.

“Who says he couldn’t have been a chef in his past life?” Donghyuck chimes in, smiling at Taeil. 

“Yes, exactly!” Taeil grins mischievously, turning to Donghyuck. “Thank you for defending my honor, er—I didn’t catch your name.”

“Donghyuck. Lee Donghyuck,” Donghyuck introduces himself, sounding a bit breathless. “And I very much look forward to your creation, Master Moon Chef.” He stretches his hand out to Taeil who takes it. They smile at each other, a small spark crossing between their eyes, and Johnny thinks the two of them might be trouble together.

* * *

“So, you’re a nursing student?” Johnny asks, taking a bite of dessert and watching Donghyuck eat his second serving. He wonders how someone so skinny can eat so much, and chalks it up to youth.

“Grad student. I should be finishing up this semester,” Donghyuck answers as he swallows a big chunk of cheesecake. “I’m in the last stretches of clinic hours before I can take my licensing exam.”

“He’s been working a lot of hours at the clinic. I would sometimes go days without seeing him. But since moving in together, I get to see him, like, everyday,” Mark comments, placing a hand on Donghyuck’s thigh and squeezing it lovingly. Donghyuck smiles at him, placing his hand on Mark’s.

“I know the feeling.” Johnny gestures towards Taeil. “This one here spent the last four years doing nothing but working and studying. The only day he was free was Sundays, and I had to share him with Mark.”

“It’s because _I’m_ his favorite,” Mark smiles at Taeil who doesn’t disagree, reaching over to pinch Mark’s cheek. Johnny pouts, whining as Taeil pushes him away jokingly.

“You’re a vet, right? Or at least, about to be?” Donghyuck asks Taeil, tilting his head to the side. Mark smiles proudly at him, impressed that he remembered that detail from his long-winded information dump on their ride over.

“That’s right. Just passed my licensure test and started my last vet-tech internship a few months ago. So in a way, I was in your shoes not too long ago,” Taeil comments, taking his own huge bite of dessert. Johnny smiles to himself, thinking it’s funny how both he and his brother like men who can eat. 

Donghyuck leans on his elbows, fork in mouth as he looks at Taeil with a curious gaze. Taeil, not one to back down, matches Donghyuck’s pose, arching an eyebrow at him. Mark watches, a bit worried as they have a staring contest for a few seconds. But soon a grin slowly spreads over Donghyuck’s face, eyes crinkling mischievously.

“You know, between you and me, I think it's clear that we are settling for these two. Maybe we should date each other. What do you think?” Donghyuck wiggles his eyebrows at Taeil who breaks into small giggles. Johnny pouts slightly before turning to look at Mark, who smiles warmly at the scene, clearly pleased to see them all getting along. And when Donghyuck turns to Mark, pinching his cheek and making Mark blush, Johnny thinks they’ve gotten off to a pretty good start.

* * *

“I think Donghyuck is a good match for Mark,” Johnny declares as he picks up the scraps of paper and pencils from the coffee table. “He’s got good spunk.”

“You mean he teases Mark as much as you do,” Taeil shakes his head, putting all the strewn pillows and cushions back into place. Donghyuck, apparently, is not only overly energetic but cut throat when it comes to games. That coupled with Taeil’s competitiveness made for some ridiculous charade shenanigans, but Johnny thinks it’s the most fun they’ve had in a while.

“It’s different because I’m his brother. Mark can get a bit stuck in his ways and needs someone to lighten him up a bit—like Donghyuck,” Johnny says as he drops onto the couch, exhausted. He pulls Taeil to sit next to him, tucking him into his side. Their size difference makes it so Taeil can easily slip under Johnny’s arm—a perfect fit. It never ceases to make Johnny happy. “You two seemed to hit it off pretty well, too. You guys annihilated us in charades.”

“I think we’re on the same wavelength,” Taeil smiles up at Johnny. “You know, _smart_.”

“Ouch, babe, that hurts my pride,” Johnny pouts. “Though it does explain why he laughed so much at your jokes.”

“It is _so_ nice to finally be appreciated!” Taeil teases Johnny who steals a kiss in retaliation. Taeil grins, settling back into the couch. He stares off a bit before sighing to himself, playing the sleeves of his sweater. “But I do like him. I hope he sticks around,” he says quietly, almost to himself.

* * *

“Do you think they liked me?” Donghyuck asks as he shuffles off his shoes, following Mark into the kitchen.

“Johnny likes everyone and Ilie is, like, the most easy-going person you’ll meet. He’ll probably become, like, your best friend before you know it,” Mark says, pouring himself a bowl of cereal—his late night snack. “Trust me, they _loved_ you.”

Donghyuck pouts, “I hope so, cause I don’t really plan on going anywhere. Moving is too much of a hassle, so I’d rather just stay here.”

“Haha, very funny,” Mark deadpans as he eats a spoonful of cereal. He looks at Donghyuck for a second before asking the question he really wants to know the answer to. “Did you like them, though? Johnny and Taeil?”

“Of course!” Donghyuck smiles brightly. “Your brother is great. Super nice, good looking, tall, and _actually_ plays _Overwatch_ instead of _pretending_ just to get me into bed. I think I might have picked the wrong brother,” Donghyuck teases, leaning against the counter and fluttering his eyelashes. Mark rolls his eyes before slurping up some milk from his cereal. Donghyuck looks at him for a minute before shifting and tilting his head in thought. “I also think Taeil is kind of fascinating.”

“Really?” Mark asks, surprised.

“Yeah. He’s funny, for sure. But I’ve never seen anyone laugh so much at their own jokes—it’s adorable. He just doesn’t really care what others think.”

“Oh yeah, he’s like that. As long as, like, _he_ thinks he’s being funny, he’ll tell his jokes,” Mark says as he finishes off his late night snack. 

“He's also got an interesting way of thinking. I could tell while we were playing charades together,” Donghyuck adds, his gaze a bit far off. Mark watches him for a moment, chewing on his lip. He'd been nervous about them meeting, unsure whether three of the most important people in his life would get along. But as he sees the small smile on Donghyuck's face, Mark is hopeful it's the beginning of something new for all of them. A happy collision of his two lives. He pulls Donghyuck to him, kissing him firmly.

“Think you’ll want to come along again next week?” He asks shyly, not wanting to be presumptuous.

“How could I pass on a free, home-made meal by _the_ Master Moon Chef?” Donghyuck smiles at him, eyes crinkling in delight.

* * *

_A simple dinner, bright smiles, glittering laughter, and a sense of camaraderie—it’s all it takes to plant the seeds._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins....
> 
> (I’ve been feeling chaotic evil lately and this is the result. SORRY JOHNIL AND MARKHYUCK SHIPPERS T_T . This will not be a happy ending for you guys. : / but please enjoy the small moments while they last. ALSO I love Mark and Johnny very much, and in my head they are happy at the end of story.)
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


	2. getting to know you, getting to like you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up a bit longer than I had planned, but I hope you all enjoy it.

_It's the small things that build their friendship_ _and bring them closer._

__

* * *

It’s been a few months since Donghyuck has started accompanying Mark to Sunday night dinners, and Mark thinks things are going pretty well. Johnny and Donghyuck have bonded over video games and sports, already having played _Overwatch_ together a few times. And much to Mark’s annoyance, they love to gang up on him and tease him incessantly.

As Mark had predicted, Donghyuck and Taeil get on like two peas in a pod—Donghyuck’s loud, high energy mixing perfectly with Taeil’s quieter, laid-backness. It’s not unusual to find one or both doubled over in laughter, or Donghyuck following Taeil around the kitchen having proclaimed himself Master Moon Chef’s assistant. Donghyuck often asks Taeil random animal questions, always listening intently when Taeil goes into ridiculous detail about weird cat diseases. And Taeil embraces Donghyuck’s mischievous spirit, always smiling along with his antics. Even sometimes joining in.

It’s the best Mark could have hoped for—his boyfriend getting along with his brother and boyfriend-in-law.

“You play pool?” Taeil asks one Sunday night, smacking Donghyuck’s hand as he tries to sneak a taste of the stew. 

“I’ve dabbled,” Donghyuck shrugs, trying to hide a smug smile.

“He used to kick our asses in college, like, all the time,” Mark reveals. “But I don’t think he’s as good as you, Ilie.”

Donghyuck turns to give Mark an incredulous look. “You’re supposed to take _my_ side!” Mark just laughs, kissing a pouting Donghyuck on the cheek. 

“Neither one of us has been able to beat Taeil for at least the last four years,” Johnny brags, draping an arm over Taeil. “Don’t let his cute face fool you or you’ll end up paying for it.”

“Stop making me sound like a pool-shark,” Taeil laughs nervously, turning towards Donghyuck with a small smile. “I play every once in a while at a local bar by my clinic, usually Thursdays. If you’re free, maybe we can all go together.”

“Pass,” the brothers say in unison, having lost enough money and dignity to Taeil to consider ever playing him again. 

But Donghyuck lights up, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet. He scrutinizes Taeil, eyes glinting with mischief. “If you think you can handle me, I’m game.”

“Oh, big talker, huh?” Taeil smiles, wiping his hand on a dishtowel and extending it out to Donghyuck. “Let’s make it a little more interesting—if I win, you and Mark make dinner next week. If you win, we’ll cook whatever you want.” 

Donghyuck locks eyes with Taeil for a tense second, and Mark swears he can see lightning pass between their eyes. Donghyuck breaks out in a smile, taking Taeil’s hand and shaking it firmly.

“I like steak,” Donghyuck states confidently, getting a laugh out of Taeil.

“And we like tacos,” Johnny chimes in, massaging Taeil’s shoulders.

* * *

Johnny turns to look over his shoulder when the front door opens, finding an overly chipper Taeil. Setting his book down, he extends his arms out, pulling Taeil onto his lap and hugging him as if he were a teddy bear. “Did you win?”

“Would you like chicken, beef, or carnitas tacos for dinner on Sunday?” Taeil smiles triumphantly. Johnny beams, kissing him on the cheek with a loud ‘pop’.

“I never doubted you. Ilie—the pool-shark!”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Taeil grins sheepishly, patting Johnny on the arm. “Donghyuck beat me a couple of times. I think if he keeps playing, I’ll have some real competition for once.”

“High praise from Master Moon,” Johnny says, impressed. 

“Hopefully Mark can spare him so he’ll come out and play with me again. He’s wicked sharp and funny as hell. A bit crazy at times, but I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much,” Taeil smiles to himself, as if remembering something particularly funny. Johnny’s eyes soften, glad to see Taeil so cheery. Being the quiet kind, Taeil has only a few other friends besides Johnny and Mark. Johnny thinks it’s nice to see Taeil get out and socialize on his own. 

When Taeil’s phone vibrates, he scrunches his brow, and Johnny can see it’s a message from Donghyuck. Taeil purses his lips, as if trying to hide a smile as he taps through the message. He turns the screen towards Johnny, showing him an image he just received. 

“Damn, babe, have you been working out?” Johnny asks appreciatively, looking at a picture of Taeil bent over the pool table, cue in hand and backside prominently in view. Johnny sees the message attached to the photo, reading ‘ _Master Moon, more like King of Cake ; ]_ ’. He lifts an eyebrow at Taeil, but Taeil simply shrugs. 

“I like him, he’s _cheeky_ —no pun intended,” Taeil laughs at his own joke.

* * *

“I guess we’re cooking on Sunday?” Mark smiles knowingly as Donghyuck drags himself into their apartment.

“I got my ass handed to me,” Donghyuck grumbles, falling face first onto their couch, legs on Mark’s lap. He exhales dramatically, “I did the exact thing Johnny told me _not_ to do—I was fooled by his cute face. I really didn’t expect him to be so _ruthless_.”

“He only gets that way when either food or, like, his honor are on the line. And in this case, it was both,” Mark massages Donghyuck’s legs. 

“Believe me, I will not let my guard down around him ever again.” Donghyuck rolls onto his back, hands behind his head as he closes his eyes. 

“Was it fun at least?” Mark questions, worried that Donghyuck may be out for blood. He doesn’t take losing easily. But Donghyuck snorts and smiles, and Mark knows Taeil is safe for now.

“Taeil’s so funny. He’ll calculate the perfect angle to hit the pool ball into a pocket like it’s nothing, then immediately turn around and say something silly like ‘You have to listen to the ball—it’ll tell you where it wants to go’, like he’s some sort of zen master,” Donghyuck laughs, shaking his head.

“Think you’ll do it again?” 

“Definitely,” Donghyuck smiles up at the ceiling, opening his eyes slowly. Mark studies Donghyuck’s face, noting his giddiness. “I’ve finally met my match. I can’t let him get away that easily.”

* * *

“Turn right, turn right, turn right— NO! MARK! TURN RIGHT!” Johnny yells at his brother, smashing his keyboard as Mark is shot in the head by Donghyuck, giving Taeil an opening to capture the final target. Taeil and Donghyuck giggle manically, high-fiving to their 10th consecutive victory over the brothers. For some reason Donghyuck thought it would be fun to try teaching Mark to play _Overwatch._ Johnny thinks Mark should have been upfront about his terrible gaming skills.

“Dude, what were you doing?” Johnny whines, pouting as he swivels his chair to look at Mark, pulling off his headset. He leans over and places his hands on Mark’s shoulders, shaking him. 

“I’m sorry! It’s just, like, the keyboard is so confusing!” Mark groans back, voice cracking. “Why can’t I use a controller like in MarioKart?” 

“I think I now understand why Mark is so terrible at games,” Donghyuck says to Taeil, and Johnny only wishes Donghyuck had realized it earlier to save him from this agony.

“He’s been this way since middle school. For some reason his Spidey-senses don't translate well to gaming. It’s why we mostly stick to board games with him,” Taeil leans back in his chair, munching on some chips. A few crumbs linger on his face, and Johnny reaches over to wipe them off but Donghyuck beats him to it, finger gently swiping across Taeil’s cheek. Taeil’s eyes catch Donghyuck’s, and they stare at each other for an intense second before Taeil clears his throat and nods gratefully. Donghyuck smiles back, and something about the whole thing gives Johnny pause. But he doesn’t dwell on it as Mark pats him on the arm. 

“Just show me how to move around, like, one more time. _Please,_ ” Mark says, smiling sweetly the way he knows gets Johnny to do anything. And it works, Johnny sighing as he leans over Mark’s keyboard.

“Alright, just remember WASD. ‘W’ is forward, ’S’ backwards, ‘A’ is turning left and ‘D’ is turning right. If you want to strafe, use ‘Q’ and ‘E’. Move the mouse to move the camera, and to shoot, use the left mouse button,” Johnny shows him for what feels like the 100th time, but Mark stares at the bright RGB keyboard as if it’s a foreign object. 

“Right. Ok, but, like….what’s the difference between turning and strafing again?” Mark asks tentatively. Johnny groans, collapsing back into his chair and spinning away, as if he can’t even bear to look at him. How are they even related?

“Think of turning like turning your entire body. Strafing is more moving sideways,” Donghyuck explains. 

“Like a crab!” Taeil jumps up from his seat, scuttling sideways up and down the aisle of the PC bang. Donghyuck breaks out into a loud, high pitched laugh, leaning back in his chair as he pats Taeil on the back on his way past him. Donghyuck soon joins Taeil, laughing loudly together. While Mark studies his keyboard, Johnny watches Taeil and Donghyuck, who seem lost in their own little bubble of fun. He notices how bright Taeil’s smile is, how carefree his laughter sounds, and something about it seems off to Johnny. Taeil seems _different._ And he isn’t sure why it makes him feel uneasy.

“Ok, ok, okaaaay!” Mark declares loudly, fiddling around with his mouse. “I think I got it this time. Let’s do this.”

“Let’s switch teams—boyfriends vs boyfriends,” Taeil says, smiling towards Johnny. Johnny lifts his hands up to the heavens, thanking God for releasing him from the torture. Donghyuck, however, turns sharply to look at Taeil as if he’s just been betrayed by his most trusted ally.

“Moon Taeil, how can you do this to me?! I thought we were a team! Don’t leave me with _him_ ,” Donghyuck gestures to his boyfriend, appalled. Mark tries to defend himself but gets tangled in his headset. Donghyuck slowly turns in his chair to look at Taeil, head tilted and pouting like a small puppy. Taeil doesn’t fall for it. “ _Fine._ If I must suffer, let’s at least make it interesting.” 

“Alright, what are your terms?”

“Why are you two always making bets?” Mark sighs as he untangles himself _._

“Because it’s fun,” Donghyuck and Taeil say simultaneously, and Mark knows there’s no point in asking ever again. Because Taeil and Donghyuck make bets over anything—pool games, board games, who can wash dishes the fastest, who can make Mark laugh the loudest, who can eat the most in one sitting. And this is no different. 

Donghyuck purses his lips, looking around when his eyes land on a coin-karaoke booth. He points to it, “Loser has to pay for three songs of the winner’s choice.”

“Deal.” Taeil sticks his hand out and Donghyuck shakes it. But then Taeil squeezes his hand and pulls Donghyuck to him, whispering in his ear, “I look forward to singing only six minute long ballads.” He pulls back, laughing like an evil villain in a movie. 

Mark looks over at Donghyuck, ready to give him a pep talk, but finds him staring at Taeil, face flush. Mark tilts his head curiously, but then Donghyuck shakes his head and quickly turns back to his own monitor, mouth set in determination. Mark shrugs it off, and prepares for the quickest defeat of his life.

Johnny leans against the karaoke booth, watching as Taeil gleefully picks an old ballad that is indeed 6 minutes long. Donghyuck sighs, leaning on his elbows as Mark pats him on the back apologetically. Taeil sways, getting into the music before lifting the microphone to his lips and singing. Donghyuck perks up, looking up at Taeil with wide eyes. Johnny can see the moment Donghyuck’s annoyance disappears, his eyes gazing at Taeil in what Johnny can only describe as _affection_. Johnny clenches his jaw, shifting his focus back on Taeil, suddenly feeling restless.

“ _Wow_ , you’re amazing! Are you a professional?” Donghyuck praises Taeil when the song ends, clapping enthusiastically and giving him a standing ovation. Johnny looks on as Taeil’s ears redden and he chuckles nervously, clearly embarrassed at the praise. Despite the terms of their bet agreement, Taeil lets Donghyuck pick the second song. He picks a duet and shyly hands the second microphone to Taeil, silently asking to sing with him. Taeil smiles widely, happily taking it. They sing in perfect harmony, their voices complementary and pleasant. When the song ends, Mark again notices Donghyuck’s flush, and wonders if he’s feeling alright. But Donghyuck and Taeil continue to sing song after song, completely unperturbed, and Mark thinks he might just be seeing things. 

Nine songs and a dozen more _Overwatch_ matches later, they walk out into the late, cool spring night. Johnny carries a sleepy Mark on his back, turning to see Donghyuck drape an arm around Taeil, giggling as they sing together. The way Taeil leans his head against Donghyuck’s shoulder as he laughs makes Johnny’s chest tighten, a strange apprehension settling over him. 

* * *

“Sorry, Hyuck is running late. He’s finishing up a practice test for his licensing exam,” Mark sighs as he walks into the kitchen. “He said to start without him. We can, like, eat dessert while he eats dinner or something,” Mark grumbles leaning against the counter, head hanging. Taeil looks up from checking on the rice, frowning at Mark’s dejected face. 

“Is there something wrong?”

“It’s Hyuck,” Mark sighs. “He’s been overworking himself lately. He missed passing his first practice test by, like, one question and ever since has been in overdrive. I’m worried he’s going to, like, collapse. He just looks so tired lately. I don’t know what to do,” Mark slumps back against the kitchen counter, looking down at his feet. “He tries to hide it, but, like, I know the pressure of this exam is getting to him,” Mark mutters. 

“That must explain his terrible pool games lately,” Taeil says, mouth twisted in thought. “And probably why he’s been sending so many texts at 3 AM.” 

“He texts you in the middle of the night?” Johnny turns to Taeil, brow furrowed.

“Yeah, usually random stuff like cat videos or questions about ferret anatomy,” Taeil shrugs, as if it’s nothing to be overly concerned about. 

Perhaps it is nothing, particularly since Mark doesn’t seem concerned by it. But it still bothers Johnny, especially since Taeil’s never mentioned it before. And Johnny thinks this is just another example of Taeil seeming distant lately. He’s been quieter than usual, spending more time on his phone or laptop, often spacing out and picking on his lips, lost in thought. It all worries Johnny more than he wants to admit, and not really something he wants to think about. _It’s probably nothing_ , he reasons with himself, pushing it aside for now and focusing on his brother. He can worry about it later. 

“I’m sure he’ll be alright. He's got a strong spirit,” Johnny says reassuringly, though he can see that Mark doesn’t really believe him. 

“You said he’s currently taking a mock exam, right? Maybe he did better this time. I bet he’ll ace it and we’ll have to deal with an overly confident Donghyuck for the rest of the night,” Taeil smiles encouragingly at Mark, and it seems to ease his nerves a bit.

But when Donghyuck arrives, it’s clear he did not ace the practice exam. “I’m the biggest, dumbest, most useless idiot in the world,” he grumbles before falling into his chair, digging into his dinner with a vengeance. Mark sits beside him, frowning and barely touching his ice cream as he watches Donghyuck silently spiral. Johnny and Taeil stand in the kitchen, giving them space. 

“Things don’t look good,” Johnny mumbles, leaning on Taeil’s shoulder as he observes his brother. Johnny can see how Donghyuck’s anxiety affects Mark, and wishes he could help somehow.

“Do you think you could pull Mark away for a minute? I want to talk to Donghyuck alone,” Taeil mutters, narrowing his eyes as he studies Donghyuck. 

“What? Why?” Johnny turns suddenly, eyeing Taeil curiously. But Taeil doesn’t seem to notice, completely focused on Donghyuck. Johnny hates to admit he feels a twinge of envy at how intensely Taeil stares at Donghyuck. 

“I think I know what’s bothering him,” Taeil says, turning to look up at Johnny. Johnny sighs, unable to refuse Taeil anything when he looks up at him with his big, pretty eyes. He calls his brother to help him with the dishes, leaving Donghyuck alone at the table. 

Taeil sits next to Donghyuck, patiently waiting for him to finish eating. Johnny and Mark try to give them privacy, but are both too intrigued to not eavesdrop. They huddle together, pretending to wash dishes but instead watch their boyfriends. After a minute, Taeil clears his throat, getting Donghyuck’s attention.

“Can I ask you something?” Taeil starts. Donghyuck shrugs, leaning back in his chair and sighing. “Why did you want to become a nurse?” Taeil asks, tilting his head curiously. Donghyuck looks up at him, as if surprised by the question. He sighs to himself, hunching over as he fiddles with his hands. 

“When I was younger, my little sister got sick, but all the clinics near us didn’t have the proper staff to help her. My family almost went bankrupt paying for her medical bills from the big hospital. I remember thinking how unfair it is that the smaller clinics are so understaffed since most doctors prefer large hospitals with higher salaries. I don’t blame them, but it seems so unfair to people like my family, single parents, the elderly—those who can only afford the smaller clinics. They all deserve to live happy, healthy lives too, not just the well-off. So, I decided one day that I wanted to work in those clinics, help people like my family. I can’t afford medical school right now so I went with the next best thing.” Donghyuck takes a deep breath, looking down at his hands as if wondering if he alone would be enough to make a difference.

Mark squirms, thinking that Donghyuck is being uncharacteristically vulnerable. It took Mark almost a year of knowing Donghyuck to get him to reveal anything quite so personal. But it’s only taken Taeil a handful of months to get the same amount of trust. And for Donghyuck to offer it so freely, it bewilders Mark. 

“You have a big heart, Donghyuck. I’m sure you’re going to help a lot of people,” Taeil says gently, placing a hand on Donghyuck’s fidgety ones. 

“Not if I can’t pass this stupid fucking exam I won’t,” Donghyuck sighs, eyes downcast.

“At your clinic, you have mentors and advisors, right? Ones that give you feedback on your work?” Taeil asks carefully.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck mumbles.

“And what has their feedback been?” Taeil asks quietly, squeezing Donghyuck’s hand reassuringly. Donghyuck pouts, looking up at the ceiling in thought. 

“They’ve said I’m a good listener, paying close attention to what patients tell me. That I have good instincts. I’m cheery and brighten up the place. That I…” he trails off, his eyes shifting to meet Taeil’s. Taeil gives him a small smile, nodding for him to keep going. “That I’ll be a good nurse.”

“Then why are you doubting yourself?” Taeil asks plainly. He looks at Donghyuck, gaze soft as he reads the worries on Donghyuck’s face. “Hyuck, you didn’t get here just by luck. It’s because you are hardworking, passionate and smart. Even your advisors can see that, so why can’t you?” 

Donghyuck jerks his head back as if he's been splashed with a bucket of cold water. His eyes quiver as he looks at Taeil for a long moment, but then shakes his head. “But I’ve bombed all the practice exams.”

“But that’s all they are—practice. You fail those now so you can pass the real thing later, right?” Taeil quickly counters. “Besides, an exam doesn’t determine whether you’ll be a good nurse nor your self-worth.”

“Damn, that’s one hell of line,” Mark mumbles. Johnny nods, but can’t help but wonder just how close Taeil and Donghyuck have become. Because by the look on Donghyuck’s face, Taeil hit the nail on the head. 

Donghyuck stares at Taeil with wide eyes and mouth slightly open, ears red. Taeil smiles, squeezing Donghyuck’s hands encouragingly. “You have everything you need to pass the exam, Hyuck. There is no need to doubt yourself. But if you want, we can make some flashcards and get you some more practice books."

“ _We_? You…you want to help me? Why?” Donghyuck asks, forehead scrunched. Mark and Johnny look at each other, mirroring Donghyuck’s confusion. 

“I may be better at animal anatomies, but I’m pretty great at taking tests,” Taeil laughs before giving Donghyuck an earnest look. “But mostly because I understand how you’re feeling. When I was studying for my licensure exam, there were days I questioned myself and almost gave up. And I don’t want you to give up.” 

Johnny swallows the lump in his throat as Taeil tilts his head, smiling softly and fixing Donghyuck’s disheveled hair. Donghyuck studies Taeil’s face as if he’s seeing something that wasn’t there before, and Johnny feels an uneasiness creep into his chest again. 

* * *

Mark and Donghyuck sit on the bus in silence, Donghyuck resting his head against the window with his eyes closed. Mark turns to look at him every once in a while, wondering what’s going on in his mind. After Donghyuck accepted Taeil’s help, the rest of the night went on as if nothing happened. Donghyuck was loud and chaotic as usual, and his complete change in attitude puzzles Mark. 

“Feeling better?” Mark asks softly, placing a hand on Donghyuck’s thigh and squeezing it. 

“Yeah. Actually, I feel a lot better,” Donghyuck sighs, looking down at his hands and studying them. “Taeil, he…it felt like he could really see into me, knowing _exactly_ what I was thinking and feeling.” 

Mark studies Donghyuck’s face, something about his gaze unreadable. Donghyuck smiles to himself, closing his eyes and leaning back against the window. “His hands are really soft,” he mutters so softly that Mark almost misses it. Mark gives him a strange look, but figures Donghyuck is tired and talking nonsense. He takes Donghyuck’s hand and puts it in his lap. They ride again in silence, hand in hand though Mark feels like Donghyuck’s mind is a million miles away.

* * *

“Donghyuck really seemed to cheer up after your talk with him,” Johnny comments as he slips under the covers and turns to look at Taeil. “How did you know what to say?”

“It’s what he called himself when he walked in: _a useless idiot._ That made me think he might be suffering from imposter syndrome. I’m quite familiar with that feeling,” Taeil sighs. He looks up from his phone, his eyes unfocused as he talks more to himself than to Johnny. “He has so much passion and love to give to the world. It would be a shame if he couldn’t share it because he’s stuck in his own head.”

Johnny arches his eyebrows at Taeil, not disagreeing but finding Taeil’s empathy and sympathy for Donghyuck _too_ palpable. “You’re doing a really nice thing, helping him out,” Johnny says carefully.

“I’m just helping out a friend. It’s nothing you or Mark wouldn’t do,” Taeil shrugs. 

Johnny scrutinizes that sentiment. Mark would certainly help Donghyuck since they are dating, but he’s terrible at tests and wouldn't be much help. And Johnny isn’t sure about himself, because if he’s honest, he’s not sure he and Donghyuck are that kind of friends. He really didn’t think Taeil and Donghyuck were either. To Johnny, Donghyuck is just Mark’s boyfriend, and their friendship is defined by his role in Mark’s life. But apparently the same cannot be said of Taeil. Somehow, without Johnny noticing, Taeil and Donghyuck have formed a friendship outside of the boundaries of their foursome. They’ve become close. _Too close_ , Johnny thinks warily. Which reminds him—

“Think he’ll text you in the middle of the night anymore?” Johnny wonders, not having forgotten the tidbit Taeil dropped earlier. Taeil is about to respond when his phone vibrates, interrupting. As Taeil eyes scan the screen, a small smile spreading across his face, Johnny has a good guess who it’s from. “Is it Donghyuck?” Johnny asks, turning his back to Taeil as he fluffs his pillow.

“Yeah, just saying he’s looking forward to our study sessions,” Taeil mumbles, typing back a response. Johnny doesn’t say more, closing his eyes though he suddenly feels restless. He hears Taeil giggle softly behind him on and off for the next thirty minutes, and Johnny wonders why it bothers him so much, a knot forming in the pit of his stomach.

* * *

_The greatest foundation for love is friendship. For friendship leads to likeness, and likeness to love. And love cannot exist without friendship._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random musings:  
> +what can I say, hyuckil are besties  
> +johnny is definitely the more observant brother >_>  
> +for some reason i imagined mark being terrible at video games. (also, I don't play overwatch so I have no idea how matches work. i tend to play MMORPGs and switch games ^^; )
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


	3. suspicious minds

_There are no suspicious late nights at work or mysteries marks on their bodies. No missed dinners or poor excuses for being late. It is simply their loving gazes, soft tones, and gentle touches that gives them away._

* * *

Days have felt longer, quieter, and lonelier as of late, an almost constant restlessness keeping Johnny up at night. Something has changed between him and Taeil. In all the years they’ve known each other, Taeil has never been more distant. Even at the height of his veterinary school studies, Taeil always let Johnny in—leaning on him for support and telling him what’s on his mind. But now it’s as if Taeil is too far away for Johnny to reach. It’s not that Taeil pushes Johnny away or avoids him, nor does Taeil rebuff Johnny in the slightest. But Johnny struggles to read Taeil’s face and emotions the way he used to. He’ll smile and laugh like always, but the lines on his face and the sound of his voice seem out of place, like a dimmed version of who Johnny used to know. And Johnny has never felt more alone than when sitting mere inches from each other, Taeil lost in his thoughts.

Johnny has his suspicions of what is causing this quiet void to form between them, but he can’t bring himself to admit it. Because acknowledging it makes it real, and Johnny isn’t ready for that. He’d rather close his eyes, cover his ears, and pretend everything is fine. He’d rather live with the quiet loneliness and restlessness than consider the alternative. 

But some days are more difficult to push aside than others, today being one of them.

Johnny parks outside the library, waiting for Taeil and Donghyuck. Over the last month, Taeil has spent hours at the library helping Donghyuck study. Taeil has even missed dinner a few times, leaving Johnny to eat alone with only his uneasy thoughts for company. Besides their time together at the library, Taeil helped Donghyuck make flash cards for quick study sprints on his bus rides to and from work. And more recently, Taeil has taken to texting Donghyuck random times of the day with pop-quiz questions. It is far more effort than Johnny had thought Taeil would put into it. And if he’s honest with himself, it’s significantly more time than Johnny had wanted Taeil to spend with Donghyuck. But each time Mark mentions how much better Donghyuck is doing, Mark’s own delight and happiness obvious, Johnny uses it as an excuse to bury his anxiety and unease. He pushes it aside for his brother’s sake. It’s what any big brother would do, Johnny reasons with himself. But Johnny won’t deny he’s relieved that this is their last meeting before Donghyuck’s exam. 

Taeil eventually jumps in the passenger seat, greeting Johnny with a cheeky grin—a smile that’s become commonplace around Donghyuck. Donghyuck slides into the back, greeting him with a warm, “Hey, Johnny-o!” 

“How was your last study session?” Johnny asks as he drives them towards Mark and Donghyuck’s place.

“Taeilie did _not_ behave. He showed me pictures of him with all the cute animals that come into his clinic, distracting me from my studies,” Donghyuck whines, pouting as he places his chin on Taeil’s seat. _Taeilie_. Donghyuck started using the nickname a few weeks back, and the level of intimacy and familiarity it implies makes Johnny uncomfortable. 

“What are you talking about? You’re the one that stole my phone and started scrolling through my photo gallery. I had to stop you from setting up an Instagram account!” Taeil rebuttals.

“But you’d have so many followers! Cute animals with an even _cuter_ vet? Everyone would fall in love with you instantly. I even came up with a name: Taeilie-cat, like alley-cat! Isn’t it cute?” Donghyuck leans forward, wrapping his arms around the front seat and pseudo hugging Taeil. Johnny looks over to find Taeil sinking into his seat, hands gripping the arms wrapped around him.

Johnny turns his eyes back on the road, trying to keep his thoughts from spiraling too much. Lately, whenever Johnny turns to look, it seems as if Donghyuck is either hugging Taeil, has an arm thrown over his shoulder, or linking their arms together. Johnny has even witnessed Donghyuck trying to plant a kiss on Taeil’s cheek on more than one occasion. But that’s not what gives Johnny pause, because he knows Donghyuck is an overly affectionate person. It’s Taeil’s willingness to go along with it. Like now, while Donghyuck plays with Taeil’s fingers as if they were his own, Taeil doesn’t even bat an eye. The Taeil Johnny knows is not a big fan of physical or public affection, often complaining when Johnny is being too much. Even when they first started dating in college Taeil would resist kissing when out in public, taking him a few months to warm up to the idea. So it completely perplexes Johnny seeing Taeil so readily accept Donghyuck’s affections. 

When they drop Donghyuck off, he pats Johnny’s shoulder firmly and gives him a bright smile. As he turns to Taeil, Donghyuck pauses for a moment, smiling softly at him. He squeezes Taeil’s hand, only letting go when he’s physically out of reach. It’s an overly familiar gesture that makes Johnny shift in his seat, eyes shifting back and forth as he trains his gaze on the road, hands clenching the steering wheel tightly. 

As Johnny and Taeil drive home, they sit in deafening silence. Johnny wonders if Taeil can hear his restless thoughts spinning around in his head as they slowly build into a headache. Or if Taeil can even sense his anxiety at all. Johnny looks over at Taeil whose eyes stay glued to his phone, laughing softly to himself. 

“What’s so funny?” Johnny asks curiously, though he already knows it’s from Donghyuck. It’s always from Donghyuck.

“Hyuckie is texting me some cat videos. Where does he find all of these?” Taeil mumbles, tapping on his screen. The rest of the car ride follows the same pattern—Taeil glued to his phone, giggling to himself. Even when they are back home, Taeil’s phone pings every 10 minutes, a new message from Donghyuck interrupting their dinner and late-night rituals.

Right before they turn off the light to sleep, Johnny looks over at Taeil, and sees his smile. It’s bright and full of mischief, and Johnny wonders when it changed to look so different from the smile of his memories. As has become normal lately, Johnny lies awake, watching Taeil sleep soundly. He runs a soft hand through Taeil’s hair, wanting to reach into his head and see his dreams, see into his heart. Not too long ago Johnny would have confidently said he knew Taeil better than anyone. Now, he just wants to understand where Taeil has gone and why he left Johnny behind. 

Johnny curls onto his side, shifting until he is spooning Taeil, trying to feel close to him. Wrapping an arm around him, he pulls Taeil close to his chest, face buried in his soft hair. He breathes in deeply, that all familiar scent of his shampoo filling his nose. He closes his eyes and tries to cling to that familiar warmth of Taeil’s touch, but even that feels like it’s fading. Despite the fact that he knows Taeil is slipping through his fingers, Johnny would rather hold onto whatever little he has than to completely let go. So he holds Taeil a little closer, terrified of opening his eyes to the truth.

* * *

“I am _so tired,_ ” Donghyuck groans as he stumbles out of the testing facility. Mark pulls him into a hug as Donghyuck rests his head against Mark’s shoulder, sighing deeply.

“But aren’t you glad the exam is over? You’ll get your free time back and, like, no more texts from Taeil asking you random questions at weird hours of the day?” Mark asks as he pulls away, running his hands down Donghyuck’s arms.

“I’m mostly glad I don't have to worry about it anymore,” Donghyuck mumbles, shrugging and rolling his neck. “Ugh, waking up so early on a weekend should be a crime.”

“Ok, ok, ok. Let’s get some caffeine in you. My treat,” Mark chuckles, as he takes Donghyuck’s hand, interlacing their fingers as they walk down the sidewalk. Mark looks over at Donghyuck who looks tired but glows with confidence. Donghyuck has worked so hard the last few months—working at the clinic full time, finishing his degree all while studying for the license exam. Mark feels a swell of pride for his boyfriend, and has the sudden urge to pamper him. “Why don’t we, like, celebrate being done with the exam? I can make you dinner and we can even raid Johnny’s wine for, like, the _real_ good stuff.”

“What’s this? Mark trying to be _romantic_? Are you trying to seduce me?” Donghyuck teases, bumping shoulders with him and waggling his eyebrows. Donghyuck gives him a closed lip smile, trying to fight back his laugh as Mark flushes from his teasing. He squeezes Mark’s hand, “Sounds like fun. But do you really think your brother will let us take some of his good wine?”

“Probably not. But I know Taeil can convince him,” Mark smiles. As they turn the corner, Mark spots a familiar petite frame. “Speak of the devil—hey-yo, Ilie!” he calls out. Donghyuck tenses at the mention of Taeil before his entire face lights up as he spots him.

“Taeilie~!” Donghyuck sings, waving his free hand wildly and practically dragging Mark with him towards Taeil.

“Well, look who it is,” Taeil says, patting Mark lovingly on the cheek before turning to Donghyuck with a smile. “I was about to respond to your text. I’m guessing you just finished your exam?”

“Yes! I am finally free from that hellscape and about to get some coffee. Do you want to join us? Mark is paying,” Donghyuck smiles brightly, reaching out with his free hand and grasping Taeil by the arm, pulling him close. 

“Sure. I’m supposed to meet Johnny in about 30 minutes to do some shopping, so I’m free for a bit,” Taeil smiles, and Donghyuck practically beams. He links one arm each with Mark and Taeil, dragging them side by side to the nearby coffee shop. 

“So, how was it?” Taeil asks Donghyuck, tilting his head at him in question.

“Easy-peasy,” Donghyuck smiles. “My preliminary results say I passed, but I won’t get my official score for another couple of days. But, I’mpretty sure I got a perfect score,” Donghyuck says as he stands a little taller and lifts his head up confidently.

“You worked very hard, so I have no doubt you aced it. Congrats, Hyuckie. I’m proud of you. We’ll have to make you steak tomorrow to celebrate,” Taeil smiles widely at him, gently clasping the arm linked through his. Donghyuck giggles at Taeil’s praise, ducking his head shyly and cheeks reddening. Mark tilts his head, finding Donghyuck’s reaction unusual. When praised, Donghyuck will normally puff his chest with bluster and boast about how ‘ _yes, indeed he is great, who would ever doubt him’_? But with Taeil, Donghyuck seems to take it more humbly, as if words from Taeil _mean_ something more. Mark ponders on this as they wait in line to order drinks, curiously watching as Donghyuck talks animatedly with Taeil, listening intently as if every word Taeil says is the most important thing he’ll hear all day.

When they sit down with their drinks, Mark notices Taeil is dressed in his ‘volunteer clothes’—old ripped baggy jeans, one of Johnny’s old t-shirts, his signature Converse, and a large tote bag full of dog and cat treats. No matter how many nice backpacks Johnny has given Taeil over the years, he still insists on using his enormously large tote bag. 

“Were you volunteering at the animal rescue again, Ilie?” Mark asks, noting the dog and cat fur sticking to his clothing.

“Yup. Just did some check ups and vaccinated some pups and kittens. And since I was already there, I figured I’d stay for a bit and hang out with some of my babies. I didn’t want them to think no one loves them,” Taeil says, sipping on his iced coffee. 

“Ah, Taeilie, how do you have such a big heart? Always helping others,” Donghyuck sighs, leaning over closely to Taeil and gingerly picking fur off his t-shirt.

“What are you talking about?” Taeil laughs awkwardly, chewing on his straw as the tips his ears turn red.

“You not only spend your free time helping animals, you also helped me! I couldn’t have passed the test this morning without your help,” Donghyuck insists, but Taeil shakes his head.

“I didn’t do much—just helped make a few flashcards and quiz you here and there. You have all the talent in the world to succeed on your own, Hyuckie. You should take credit where credit is due,” Taeil smiles tenderly at Donghyuck, placing a soft hand over Donghyuck’s and running a slow thumb over his hand. Mark notices Donghyuck immediately blush, cheeks and ears burning as his hand tenses under Taeil’s. Donghyuck looks away for a moment before flitting his eyes up at Taeil, a shy smile on his lips. They watch each other for a tense few seconds before Donghyuck slowly moves his hand away, his thumb caressing Taeil’s before completely pulling away. Mark stares at them, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. What… _what was that?_ Suddenly feeling anxious, Mark remembers something Donghyuck had mumbled to himself on a bus ride home one Sunday— _His hands are really soft._

Donghyuck intensely stares at Taeil for a moment before shaking his head. “No, Taeil, you don’t get it. I _really_ couldn’t have done it without you. I was spiraling pretty badly, losing all of my confidence and on the verge of giving up. But you pulled me out of it.” Donghyuck slowly lifts his hand to remove a stray strand of dog fur from Taeil’s face, smiling at him so tenderly Mark has the urge to look away. Donghyuck lets his hand linger on Taeil’s smooth cheek before resting his arm on the table and leaning on his elbow, gazing at Taeil fiercely. “You pushed me to step back and see the bigger picture. You gave me my confidence back. So when I say I couldn’t have done it without you, I mean it.”

Mark feels like he’s having déjà vu, experiencing the same bewilderment of Donghyuck being so open and forthcoming with Taeil. Donghyuck is usually the mood maker—teasing and making light of situations, not wanting to burden others with his troubles. Mark can only get Donghyuck to open up to him late at night under the cover of darkness, like a secret to be kept from the world. So to see him so openly and easily admit his self-doubts to Taeil, in broad daylight and in the middle of a crowded cafe, it makes Mark feel itchy in his own skin. He watches Taeil’s eyes grow big, searching Donghyuck’s face. They stare in silence for what feels like minutes until Taeil clears his throat and blinks a few times, looking away, a dusting of pink on his round cheeks. 

Feeling overly warm, Mark clears his throat and sips his ice tea, eyes shifting between them. Taeil stares at his phone on the table, as if he’s trying to avoid Donghyuck’s gaze. But Donghyuck, chin resting on his hand, just stares at Taeil with a small smile. The air around them seems to carry a tension that didn’t exist before, and Mark feels like he’s suffocating in it.

When Taeil takes a bite out of his cookie, a crumb clings on the corner of his lip. Donghyuck reaches out without hesitation to wipe it off with a thumb, “Ah, Taeilie, you’re so clumsy,” he coos, smiling sweetly. Mark almost chokes on his tea, his heart pounding wildly at the strangeness of the scene in front of him. Mark has never heard Donghyuck talk so fondly to someone before, and it throws him for a loop. Donghyuck takes any opportunity to tease and rattle people—even Mark himself. _Especially_ Mark. But with Taeil, he’s so affectionate and warm. Mark honestly doesn’t know what to think.

When Taeil looks up to meet Donghyuck’s gaze, Mark suddenly feels like he’s intruding on an intimate moment. Taeil bites his lip bashfully while Donghyuck’s half lidded eyes stare deeply at Taeil, gaze so full of fondness that Mark wonders if they are even aware of anything around them. Do they even remember he’s there? He feels a knot form in his stomach, his heart racing so fast that he thinks he might be having a panic attack. _What the fuck is going on?_

But then Taeil’s phone vibrates and he clears his throat, leaning back to pick up his phone. “Ah, it’s Johnny. Looks like he’s here. Thanks for the coffee, Mark. I’ll see you guys tomorrow for dinner, yeah?” Taeil says in a hurry as he stands up and practically runs out of the cafe. Donghyuck follows Taeil with his eyes until he’s out of site, and Mark thinks he looks sad to see him go. Donghyuck sighs before turning back to him. Mark looks back, eyes wide and confused, silently asking him _What was that all about_? _What’s going on?_ Donghyuck tilts his head, brow furrowed. 

“What’s wrong? You look pale,” Donghyuck says, placing a cool hand on Mark’s forehead. “You’re warm. Are you feeling alright?”

Mark shakes his head, unable to formulate any words. Donghyuck frowns, clearly not happy with Mark’s state and makes the executive decision to go home. “A cool shower, some soup and sleep— _nurses orders_ ,” Donghyuck pouts at Mark as he drags him to the bus stop. On the bus ride home, Mark rests his head back against the headrest, eyes closed as Donghyuck berates him for not taking better care of himself. But all Mark can see is the way Donghyuck looked at Taeil—gaze soft and gentle smile, cheeks flush and eyes shining. His stomach churns, and he wonders if maybe he really is sick.

* * *

Mark knows he isn’t the sharpest. He’s often slow to catch onto things, missing hints and clues staring him in the face. And as he sits across from Donghyuck at a restaurant for their usual weekly date night, Mark wonders how long he’s been missing the signs. Because he knows whatever he saw going on between Donghyuck and Taeil couldn’t haven’t happened overnight. 

Mark has spent countless hours thinking about the five minute interaction he witnessed at the cafe a few weeks ago, trying to convince himself that he’s reading too much into it. Because he’s seen Donghyuck and Taeil interact hundreds of times, and he’s sure they didn’t act any differently from before. Taeil has held Donghyuck’s hand before (but so tenderly?) and Donghyuck has cleaned crumbs off of Taeil’s face in the past (but did his finger ever linger so delicately?). And they tend to laugh and smile at each other often (but did they stare so deeply?). So Mark tells himself he’s overthinking things.

But then something will happen that will make Mark’s heart sink and stomach knot in nerves. Like now, during their date, Donghyuck looks down at his phone and his face lights up in a way Mark doesn’t recognize. Another sign he didn’t pick up on until now. Every smile, soft sigh, and longing stare just another clue that something has changed with Donghyuck and that Mark has failed to notice. 

Donghyuck sighs to himself, his eyes sparkling and cheeks glowing as he taps on his screen. He tilts his head and bites his lower lip to hide a smile, and Mark knows he's been blissfully ignorant for too long.

“What’s so funny?” Mark asks in a shaky voice, barely eating his food. 

“It’s just Taeil being silly,” Donghyuck mumbles as he types out a reply.

“What did he say?” Mark tries, but he knows Donghyuck won’t tell him. Mark noticed last week that Donghyuck has stopped telling him when he and Taeil are texting. He used to share every text with him. But now, the conversations are too private to share. And Mark, to his frustration, can’t pinpoint when it shifted.

“Ah, I don’t think you’d get it. It’s an inside joke,” Donghyuck mutters, the corner of his mouth quirking upward. His eyes scrunch up in small happy moons as he giggles, replying to Taeil. 

But Mark thinks he does get it. He may have been slow to catch on, but he sees it now. His eyes are wide open. At some point in the last six months his boyfriend fell in love with his brother’s boyfriend. And the worst part, Mark thinks, is that Donghyuck doesn’t seem to realize it himself. Because for the most part, nothing has changed significantly between them. When Donghyuck puts his phone away, taking Mark’s hand and kissing it like he usually does, Mark still feels Donghyuck’s affection for him. There is no deception in his touch or gaze. But he knows it’s not _love_ , at least not the way Mark loves him. Because he’s seen the way Donghyuck’s eyes sparkle when he looks at Taeil, how his face brightens and his body melts in Taeil’s presence. And it’s not the way Donghyuck smiles or looks at him. And though he hopes he’s wrong, Mark knows in his heart he isn’t. 

“You and Taeil seem close,” Mark ventures to say later as they walk through the park on the warm summer night.

“I guess we are. I think we’ve been good friends for a while, but we definitely got closer when he helped me prepare for the exam,” Donghyuck mumbles, eating his post-dinner ice cream cone. Mark frowns, surprised at just how honest Donghyuck is being with him. _Is he really that oblivious to his own feelings?_ Donghyuck turns to him with a smile, but stops when he sees Mark’s glower. “Why? Is there something wrong?”

“No, just, like, making an observation. You guys are, like, texting a lot more than before,” he clarifies, curious as to what Donghyuck’s response will be. 

“I guess we do,” Donghyuck just shrugs, nodding in agreement. “Why, jealous?” He bumps shoulders with Mark, as if it’s not a big deal. Mark just swallows the lump in his throat as he clenches his fists and bites the inside of his cheek, trying to control his emotions. “Is this because we whooped your asses last time in Taboo? Don’t be mad! Taeil and I just have unbeatable chemistry,” Donghyuck grins impishly at Mark before taking another big bite of his ice cream cone. Mark huffs a laugh, but it dies in his throat. _Unbeatable chemistry_ —if only Donghyuck knew how right he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random Notes:  
> +my heart goes out to Johnny T_T  
> +mark might be a little slow, but he got there eventually, and all at once. poor boy : /  
> +yes, hyuck is also a bit slow ¯\\(°_o)/¯
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)


	4. eyes wide open

_Like an accident happening in slow motion, they can do nothing to prevent it. It’s been set in motion, and they wait for the aftermath. For the fallout. For the heartbreak._

__

* * *

_Does Johnny know?_ Mark asks himself as he sits on the couch with his brother. He looks over his shoulder to watch Donghyuck and Taeil, paying particular attention to Taeil’s demeanor. If Donghyuck’s affections are like a loud roaring fire, then Taeil’s is more of a quiet simmer. His eyes follow Donghyuck with intent, his touches light and fleeting, his laugh full and face glowing. It’s subtle, but Mark thinks that if he can see it, then Johnny surely has too.

“ _Soooo_ ,” Mark starts, peeling the label of his beer bottle anxiously as he tries to figure out a way to broach the subject. He clears his throat, quickly looking over to his brother, seeing that he has his attention. “Those two, like, have _way_ too much fun together. Don’t you think?” Mark bites his lip, watching as Johnny turns away from the TV to look at Donghyuck and Taeil. They watch together as Donghyuck splashes Taeil with water from the faucet. He giggles as Taeil complains that he’s _disturbing the chef_. Donghyuck lightly pats Taeil’s chest with a clean towel, smiling innocently at him.

“I guess,” Johnny mumbles, turning to face the TV once more. Mark notes how his brother’s shoulders slump as he sighs, eyes a bit downcast. _He definitely knows_ , Mark thinks. He shifts back in his seat, heart pounding loudly in his ears as he takes a shaky breath. 

“They seem close, right?” Mark tries again. Johnny simply shrugs, clearly not interested in the conversation. Mark scratches his head, thinking maybe he’ll have to be more direct. He inhales deeply, closing his eyes tightly and prays for some amount of courage. “ _I think they have feelings for each other_ ,” he mumbles in a rush, and he hopes Johnny heard him. 

The words hit Johnny in the chest, his heart constricting and eyes widening as he finally turns to look at his brother sharply. Mark looks down at his hands where he holds his beer bottle in a death grip, hair covering his eyes. _Fuck, he knows,_ Johnny thinks as he swallows the lump in this throat, trying to keep his composure though he can feel his mask slipping.

“Wha-what are you talking about?” Johnny tries to sound casual, but he knows his voice gives him away. Mark picks up on it, looking up at Johnny with wide, inquiring eyes.

“You think so too, don’t you?” Mark’s voice cracks, eyes looking a bit wild as he searches his brother’s face.

“I…I—” Johnny stutters, at a loss for words. How can he _not_ see it? It’s felt like his entire life has been tearing apart at that seams for months as he’s watched Taeil drift away from him. But Johnny had honestly hoped Mark would remain clueless, so that he could continue pretending everything is fine. But Mark’s pleading eyes make him see he’s being delusional—ignoring the problem doesn’t make it not real. And Johnny realizes now that this isn’t just about him and Taeil. It’s hurting his brother too. Johnny turns back to look into the kitchen. He narrows his eyes as he observes Donghyuck carefully place a hand on Taeil’s back, rubbing it gently as he leans into Taeil, talking to him softly. Taeil turns his head slightly, laughing brightly as he lifts the spoon and offers it to Donghyuck for a taste. Donghyuck mouths the spoon, locking his eyes with Taeil’s. Taeil blushes and quickly turns back to cooking, clearing his throat. Donghyuck slants his head and watches Taeil, a small smile on his lips and gaze warm. The scene is _loving,_ and too much for Johnny to handle. He rubs his eyes, sighing deeply.

“You’ve always been the smarter one between us, so, like, I bet you saw the signs before I did, didn’t you?” Mark says quietly, putting down his bottle and gripping Johnny’s arm. “All the, the, the—the longing looks and touches, the blushing? You’ve noticed it, right?” He scoots over until he’s right next to his brother, brow furrowed. Johnny bites his lip, sighing in defeat as he nods.

“I started noticing a few months back,” he mumbles, frowning as he looks over at Mark.

“ _Months?!”_ Mark yelps, eyes wide and mouth agape. “I only noticed a few _weeks_ ago. Has this really been happening for _months?”_

Johnny shrugs slightly, “I don’t know about Donghyuck, but that’s when I noticed Taeil acting differently.”

“Oh, Donghyuck has _definitely_ been acting weird. But, like, I didn’t see it until just recently,” Mark mutters, shaking his head in disbelief that he’s been blind this whole time. “Hyuck changes when he’s around Taeil—it’s like, like, like a switch flips. It left me feeling uneasy, you know?”

_Uneasy._ “I know,” Johnny swallows. “I know _exactly_ what you mean.”

“How did this happen?” Mark asks, hoping his brother has some insight. But Johnny simply shakes his head. He’s been asking himself that question over several restless nights.

They sit in silence, each one lost in their own thoughts before laughter from the kitchen catches their attention. They both turn around to watch as Donghyuck takes Taeil’s hands in his, twirling him and dancing to the music coming from the TV. Taeil laughs as Donghyuck turns him, Donghyuck wiggling around and singing along. He wraps an arm around Taeil’s waist, pulling him close as he spins them around. Taeil smiles in delight, and the dread in Johnny’s stomach solidifies into a stone. 

“You know what, though?” Mark says softly, and Johnny turns to look at him. “I don’t think they even realize it.”

“Realize what?”

“That they are in love,” Mark sighs, staring at his boyfriend with sad eyes and mouth drawn in a frown. Mark had briefly considered whether Taeil and Donghyuck were having an affair. But Donghyuck never stays out late, never comes home smelling strange or looking flush. He isn’t sneaking. If anything, Donghyuck is doing a shit job of hiding the way he feels about Taeil—his adoration plainly shown on his face. It’s what makes Mark think Donghyuck isn’t even aware of it himself. 

“I think you’re right,” Johnny inhales deeply, considering Mark’s words. Johnny has suspected it’s why Taeil has been pulling away—he’s feeling lost, but doesn’t know why. And Johnny knows Taeil isn’t the kind to string him along. 

“What do we do now?” Mark bites his lip, and Johnny can see him fighting back his tears. Johnny’s heart breaks, not just for himself but for his brother. He puts a hand on Mark’s back and rubs it gently. 

“I’ll think of something,” Johnny says softly, deciding that it’s his brotherly duty to take care of Mark. And if he has any hope of pulling Taeil back towards him, he needs to stop living with his head in the sand. He needs to face the truth head on.

* * *

With eyes wide open, Johnny watches Donghyuck and Taeil, noting every little interaction. It’s all tender smiles, small touches, and longing gazes from across the table during dinner. He doesn’t miss how unabashedly proud Donghyuck looks when Taeil tells them he got promoted to full-time partner at his clinic. The joy in Donghyuck’s face is overwhelming, and Taeil’s shy reaction just makes it that much more uncomfortable for Johnny to watch them. Mark sends Johnny a look from across the table, smiling sadly as he chews on his food. 

During their regular post-dinner board games, Taeil gushes over Donghyuck’s intelligence and wit after winning three games in a row, and Donghyuck blushes so brightly one could mistake it for a sunburn. Sometime later, Donghyuck gently rearranges Taeil’s hair and murmurs at him softly, Taeil flushing and gazing at Donghyuck lovingly. Johnny shifts his eyes to Mark, noting his downcast face and hopeless gaze. Johnny sighs, placing a hand on Mark’s, squeezing it.

* * *

Johnny stares at the ceiling, stomach knotted and eyes red as the morning sun begins to stream in through the windows. He isn’t sure how long he’s been lying there, eyes blank and mind racing, but soon enough Taeil’s alarm goes off, signaling the start of a new day. Johnny isn’t sure he’s ready for the dawn to come—if he’s ready to face Taeil just yet.

“Morning,” Taeil mumbles before rolling out of bed, and Johnny can feel the now all too familiar void between them growing incrementally. He sighs, knowing it’s partially his fault for letting things get this bad. He should have spoken up sooner, but Johnny’s been scared. And now he’s left with no choice but to face it head on. Exhausted physically and emotionally, he slowly sits up as Taeil turns on the faucet to wash his face in their bathroom. Johnny moves to sit at the end of the bed, taking measured breaths as he waits for Taeil to finish up. When Taeil walks out, turning to his dresser and shuffling around for something to wear, Johnny takes one last deep breath.

“Taeil?” Johnny says in a small voice.

“Yeah?” Taeil responds, not even looking up.

“Can we talk?”

Taeil looks over at Johnny, forehead scrunched. Johnny knows his voice sounds strained, on the verge of tears even, and it clearly worries Taeil. He moves slowly to sit next to Johnny, eyeing him carefully. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Taeil asks quietly. Johnny almost laughs, wanting to shake Taeil and say e _verything is wrong, it’s all fucked up._ But instead Johnny runs a tired hand through his hair, frowning. 

“I…Mark, he…”. Johnny takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes. Even after spending a few days thinking over it, Johnny still can’t quite figure out how to go about talking about this. But at the mention of Mark, Taeil perks up, placing a hand on Johnny. 

“Is Mark ok? Did something happen?” Taeil asks with genuine concern. Johnny knows Taeil cares about Mark as if he were his own brother, and it just makes having this conversation that much more difficult.

“Mark’s worried that there might be something going on with Hyuck. That he might…” Johnny exhales, giving Taeil a tired look. “That Donghyuck might have feelings for you,” Johnny whispers, watching Taeil’s reaction carefully. Taeil furrows his brow, leaning back. His eyes shift back and forth the way Johnny knows they do when Taeil’s confused. After a few seconds he bites his lip, looking back at Johnny.

“No, that’s impossible. Hyuckie adores Mark,” Taeil shakes his head fervently. Johnny wonders if Taeil is bullshitting him, if he’s trying to protect Donghyuck for some reason. But Taeil’s eyes are clear and honest, wholeheartedly believing what he’s saying. Which means he doesn’t know how Donghyuck feels. And that, Johnny thinks, is worse. Because the way Taeil looks at Donghyuck isn’t a response to Donghyuck's flattery or attention—it’s genuine affection from Taeil. 

"Maybe so, but Mark’s concern got me thinking. I want to know if you…” Johnny sighs, the pain in stomach growing with each passing second he hesitates, finding it much harder to say the words aloud than he thought. He takes a shaky breath, looking deeply into Taeil’s eyes as he whispers, “What I want to know is if you like Donghyuck.”

Taeil jerks his head back, surprised by the question. “Of course I like him, he’s Mark’s boyfriend and—”

“That’s not what I mean, Taeil,” Johnny interrupts him, reaching out and placing a trembling hand on Taeil’s. Johnny swallows the large lump in his throat, the tears already forming in his eyes. “You have feelings for him, don’t you?”

“ _What_?” Taeil whispers, almost in disbelief. He shakes his head insistently, clasping Johnny’s hands. “No— _No,_ he and I are just friends. Why would you even ask me that? Where is this coming from?”

“You’ve been so withdrawn lately, keeping me at arm’s length,” Johnny says quietly, his voice breaking. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed, Taeil. You’re pushing me away.”

“Johnny,” Taeil whispers, eyes growing wide. He sighs, pulling his hand out of Johnny’s grip and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He bites his lip, looking over at Johnny apologetically. “I know I’ve been distant lately and I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away. It’s just that I’ve been feeling lost and confused for some reason. But it’s not because of Donghyuck—"

“Isn’t it?” Johnny is quick to question. “We hardly talk when we’re together and you can barely look me in the eye most days. You’re either always spacing out or on your phone texting Donghyuck. And your smile—it’s like you’ve forgotten how to smile when you’re with me. But when you’re with _him,_ I’ve never seen you happier.” Johnny gives Taeil a tired look, not even trying to hide his sadness and frustration. “You said you’re confused—why do you think that is?”

“I-I don’t know,” Taeil shakes his head, blinking rapidly as he looks up at Johnny. 

“But you do, Taeil. _You do,_ ” Johnny says, releasing a shuddering breath as he tries to keep his tears at bay. He closes his eyes for a moment before looking back at Taeil, staring at him with his tear filled gaze. “It’s because you’re falling in love with Donghyuck and out of love with me.”

“No, that’s not—it isn’t…I don’t…I—” Taeil stutters, eyes shaking and worrying his lip as his mind reels. He looks down at his lap, and Johnny can practically see the cogs turning in Taeil’s mind, working out the tangle in his heart until the truth reveals itself. It takes him long, agonizing minutes, but Johnny can see the moment Taeil realizes it. He begins to tremble, chewing so hard on his lip that he reopens an old cut. At any other time Johnny would lean over and kiss it. Now Johnny can barely stomach it.

“Taeil, look at me,” Johnny whispers. Taeil slowly turns his face, his eyes wide with awareness as they begin to glass over with tears, and Johnny knows what’s coming next. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” he questions again, voice cracking as he finally lets his tears fall, too tired to fight them back.

“I am,” Taeil confesses softly, a tear slipping down his cheek as he looks at Johnny with sad eyes. And it’s like something snaps in Johnny, completely breaking him.

Though Johnny has subconsciously known the truth, hearing Taeil say it hurts more than he would have imagined. Nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of his heart being ripped from his chest. He tries to keep a cool head, to keep his crying to a minimum, but it’s all too much. He has spent too many months burying his feelings that they now come tumbling out. 

Johnny blinks rapidly, tears obscuring his vision until he can no longer see Taeil’s remorseful face. He leans over, clutching his head in his hands as he closes his eyes and breathes through clenched teeth. He feels like he’s drowning, his chest feeling too tight and every breath he takes feels like knives in his lungs. His body aches and trembles, all the while his heart beats so heavily it’s as if it’s trying to burst out of his chest and run away from the pain. It doesn’t feel like it’s just his heart breaking, but his entire body.

“Why,” he mumbles, but he can’t finish his words as a sob bubbles out of his chest. What he wants to ask is _why did this happen?_ They were happy together, weren't they? Johnny can’t see why Taeil strayed away from him. Why did his heart wander off? Did Johnny get too used to the comforts of their long-established relationship and take Taeil for granted? Had he been neglecting Taeil? Or, even worse, is it just simply that Taeil and Donghyuck are more compatible?

A stabbing pain hits Johnny in the chest as he takes a shuddering breath, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes, feeling utterly lost and broken. But then he feels Taeil pull him into a hug, murmuring apologies into his shoulder. And for the first time in a while, Johnny actually feels the faintest hum of their connection. As if a spark igniting the small shreds of his hope, Johnny turns suddenly, dropping to his knees at Taeil's feet. 

“Taeil,” he whispers, digging his hands into Taeil’s thighs, looking up at him beseechingly.

“I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry, Johnny. I didn’t mean for this to happen, I swear. I didn’t know—I didn’t realize—” Taeil mutters, placing a trembling hand on Johnny’s face and attempting to wipe away his tears. 

“It’s ok—we can fix this,” Johnny says, voice thick with tears. “It’s not too late, we can fix it.”

“Johnny,” Taeil sighs sadly, a few tears slipping past his lashes. 

“I know you love him, but isn’t there a part of you that still loves me? Even a little bit?” Johnny asks desperately, eyes pleading. “I can change; I’ll be better, I promise.”

“It’s not you—” Taeil starts, but Johnny shakes his head, not wanting to hear how that sentence ends.

“Please,” Johnny pleads, burying his face in Taeil’s lap. Johnny never thought he’d be the type of person to beg, but he feels no shame at Taeil's feet. Taeil has his heart in his hand, and Johnny doesn’t want him to give it back. “I love you, Taeil. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted. Let me show you how much. Let me make you happy again.” He lets out a sob into Taeil’s lap, his arms clutching Taeil’s legs into his chest.

“Oh, Johnny,” Johnny hears Taeil say distantly before he feels Taeil’s gentle fingers run through his hair. It only adds fuel to the fire of Johnny’s frenzied hope. 

“Can’t we give it another try?” Johnny mutters, swallowing the lump in his throat.

After a few long, excruciating seconds, Johnny feels Taeil’s fingers delicately slide across his face, lifting it so their gazes meet. Johnny can see the sorrow and heartbreak in Taeil’s eyes, and Johnny thinks this is it. _This is where it all ends._ But Taeil leans down and kisses him softly, resting their foreheads together, and Johnny holds his breath.

“Ok,” Taeil whispers. “I’ll try, for you.”

Johnny practically chokes on his own breath, feeling the fractured pieces of his heart delicately come back together. He grasps Taeil’s face in his hands and kisses him desperately. He stands slowly, crawling over him and pushing him flat on their bed, engulfing Taeil with his large body. Taeil kisses Johnny back, but even as his lips meld with Johnny’s and his hands dig into his back, Taeil still feels far away. 

“Come back to me,” Johnny mummers into Taeil’s lips. “Please, Taeil, come back.”

With a small whine, Taeil deepens the kiss and pulls Johnny closer to him. The small hum of their connection seems to increase the smallest amount, and Johnny clings to it like a lifeline. He kisses Taeil fiercely, sucking on the cut on Taeil’s lip, running his large hands over Taeil’s body. He bites down on his skin, wanting to leave his mark as proof that he is the one here and not Donghyuck. Johnny pins him to their bed as they make desperate, furious love, clinging to the hope that not all is lost. But even as he feels Taeil’s nails scrape along his back and hears his soft moans in his ear, Johnny can’t unsee the heartbreak in Taeil’s eyes or ignore Taeil’s tears that soak into his skin. 

Perhaps he is being naive and selfish, Johnny thinks to himself as he lies beside Taeil, watching his back rise and fall as he drifts back to sleep. Johnny knows he bulldozed Taeil into it, but he doesn’t care. Because Taeil has given him a second chance. And that is enough for now.

* * *

“I’m canceling Sunday night dinners indefinitely,” Johnny’s voice travels through the phone into Mark’s ear.

“Cancelling them? Why?” Mark asks tiredly, sipping his coffee.

“I talked to Taeil yesterday about what you and I discussed the other night,” Johnny says carefully, catching Mark’s attention as he sits up straighter in his chair.

“You did? What did he say?”

“We were right. He didn’t realize what he was feeling,” Johnny says softly, and Mark deflates.

“Dude, I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks, but I think it’s going to be ok. Now that it’s out in the open, we were able to talk about it and he wants to work it out. We’ve _both_ decided it’s best if we focus on our relationship for now. So until further notice, no more Sunday dinners.”

“That’s, like, totally fine with me,” Mark says, observing Donghyuck scurry around the apartment as he packs his work bag. He looks up at Mark and smiles, and Mark bites his cheek as he smiles back.

“Taeil is also cutting all ties with Donghyuck. No more happy hours, pool games, or texting.”

“ _Really_?” Mark asks in disbelief, eyes tracking Donghyuck as he pulls a yogurt smoothie from the fridge and chugs it. 

“Yes, really,” Johnny assures him. “Taeil cares about you, Mark. He doesn’t want to get in the way of your relationship.”

“I…I see,” Mark chews on his nail, sinking back in his chair. Once Donghyuck kisses him goodbye and heads out the door for his 12 hour shift at the clinic, Mark lets out a heavy sigh. “What do I tell Hyuck?” he asks Johnny on the other end of the phone line.

“That’s up to you.” Johnny has only enough bandwidth to deal with one issue at a time. And right now, his priority is his relationship with Taeil. “You can tell him the truth—have the same conversation Taeil and I did, or you can wait and see how things play out. It’s your relationship, Mark. I can’t make those decisions for you. But I do suggest taking this as an opportunity to fix things.”

Once alone with his thoughts, Mark doesn’t think he can have the same hard conversation with Donghyuck. Johnny and Taeil are different—they’ve been friends since high school and dating since undergrad. They have years of history that make communicating easier. Mark and Donghyuck, however, have only been together for barely a year, and have been living together for only half that time. Their relationship in many ways is still new and growing. Mark isn’t sure he can be as open and forthcoming with Donghyuck just yet. So when Donghyuck returns from his shift late that night, Mark decides to tell him a half truth. 

“They’re going through a rough patch?” Donghyuck asks, settling into bed. “They seemed fine the other night.”

“I guess, like, you can never really know what’s going on behind the curtain,” Mark shrugs as he fluffs his pillow and lies down on it. Donghyuck lies on his side, frowning in thought. He turns suddenly to reach for his phone, typing furiously. Mark watches him closely. “What are you doing?”

“Just checking up on something,” Donghyuck mumbles. Mark has a pretty good idea what Donghyuck is up to. Hearing Taeil might be going through some emotional stress, Donghyuck immediately worries and instinctually reaches out to him. Mark watches as Donghyuck stares at his phone for a few minutes before turning it off, clearly not receiving a response to his text this late at night.

The next morning at breakfast, Donghyuck checks his phone every few minutes, his face clearly filled with concern. As the day passes into night and Donghyuck becomes increasingly agitated, Mark knows Taeil’s kept his promise. He’s ignoring Donghyuck’s text, cutting him off. And though Donghyuck seems to be confused and distraught, Mark feels relieved. For the first time in weeks, he can breathe a little easier. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random notes:  
> +I gave myself so many feels writing Johnny and Taeil's part....my poor Johnny's heart... T_T  
> +looks like johnil and markhyuck live to survive another day
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


	5. no such thing as over you

_Tried to get over you. But I think, there is no such thing_

__

* * *

Mark opens the door to the bar, getting hit in the face with stale air, the smell of beer and the sounds of people enjoying their Friday evening. Donghyuck closely follows in after him, trying to escape the cold. They look around the crowded bar and spot their friends. “I see Jeno over by the dart board,” Donghyuck points, pulling Mark with him. 

They weave their way through the crowd towards the back, greeting their friends excitedly. This outing is the exact kind of distraction and fun Mark has been craving for the last few weeks. Though Donghyuck acts like everything is fine, Mark knows he has been struggling. When he thinks Mark isn’t watching, Donghyuck will often stare at his phone, sending out messages and hoping _this time_ he’ll get a reply. Mark sometimes hears him get up in the middle of the night to either stare out the window or binge watch dramas, often not getting a full night’s sleep. He used to ask about Johnny and Taeil almost daily for a few weeks, but has pulled back to only asking when Mark brings up Johnny first. It’s obvious to Mark that Donghyuck misses Taeil, and he hopes a night out with friends will help lighten Donghyuck’s heart. Because thus far, most of Mark’s efforts to fill the Taeil-shaped void have been less than successful. He’s practiced his gaming, gone to the pool hall a few times, cooked fancy dinners on Sundays, even planned romantic weekend trips, but nothing seems to work.

But after months of feeling lost and adrift, Mark watches as Donghyuck’s laughter sparkles with delight, his smile bright and voice loud with cheer. He teases their friends mercilessly, showering them with his affection and making them all laugh with his antics. He is as radiant as the Donghyuck of the past, and Mark thinks perhaps they can finally get back on track. When Donghyuck takes his hand under the table and kisses his cheek, Mark feels his world slowly shift back into place. For the first time in recent memory, his heart feels full—and it’s intoxicating. Riding his high, Mark offers to buy the next round of drinks, dragging Donghyuck with him to the bar. Donghyuck excitedly clings to him, suggesting they get shots for everyone. Mark agrees, willing to do anything Donghyuck asks as long as he keeps smiling at him brightly. He kisses Donghyuck chastely before interlacing their fingers and pulling them through the crowd.

Making their way to the bar, Mark accidentally bumps into someone, almost spilling their drink. “Oh, gosh! I’m sorry about that—oh. H-hey, Taeil,” Mark sputters. Donghyuck crashes into him, his hand stiffening in Mark’s grasp as he looks at Taeil. And all at once Mark feels his world tilt off balance.

“Taeil…” Mark hears Donghyuck whisper next to him.

“Mark! And…Donghyuck,” Taeil’s eyes shift to Donghyuck, and Mark holds his breath, praying for this moment to be over as soon as possible. After a tense few seconds Taeil clears his throat before giving them a smile, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hey, you two! Long time no see. What brings you here?”

“We’re uh, uh, uh celebrating our friend’s birthday,” Mark stutters, turning to look at Donghyuck. Donghyuck’s face hides little, his eyes wide and mouth slightly open in surprise. Though Mark has seen Taeil semi-regularly when he goes to visit Johnny, Donghyuck has had zero contact with Taeil in months. And it is obvious he has a thousand questions for him, his eyes probing. Taeil, however, does not return Donghyuck’s look, instead only looking at Mark.

“Well, I don’t want to keep you from your friends. It was nice seeing you!” Taeil smiles awkwardly, turning and walking away quickly without a second glance back. Mark exhales, the tension in his shoulders dissipating slightly. He turns back to look at Donghyuck who watches Taeil with intense curiosity, and Mark bites his lip, his good mood completely erased. With a heavy sigh, Mark pulls Donghyuck with him to the bar, hoping they can get through the rest of the night without any more run-ins.

But Mark’s uneasiness grows every time he glances at Donghyuck. When given the chance, Donghyuck’s gaze finds its way to Taeil who mingles with his coworkers. Donghyuck’s leg bounces anxiously under the table, barely touching his drink. Gone is his carefree laugh and bright smile, his loud voice now all mumbles and half formed sentences. It is beyond obvious to Mark that time and distance has done nothing to dampen Donghyuck’s feelings for Taeil. He might even look a bit more enamored than before. _So much for fixing things_ , Mark sighs dejectedly. He bites his lip in thought before digging around his pocket for his phone.

Mark texts his brother, at a loss of how to handle this situation. Things with Donghyuck haven’t been going as well as Mark had hoped, but they weren’t going badly either _._ It’s been slow going but now any progress has been completely erased by running into Taeil, and Mark isn’t sure how to recover. When his phone vibrates, Mark picks it up hurriedly, eyes scanning the screen. Johnny tells Mark not to worry—he was already on his way over anyway to pick up Taeil for their weekly date night, and should be there in about ten minutes. _Just hang on for a bit, ok? You’ll go back to enjoying your night with your friends in no time,_ Mark reads, sighing in relief. Ten minutes—he can wait ten minutes. 

Biting his nail anxiously, Mark keeps an eye on both the clock and Donghyuck who brazenly stares at Taeil. Mark begins to let himself relax as the seconds tick down to the last few minutes. Once Taeil starts moving towards a side hallway, coat in hand as if he’s readying to leave, Mark lets out a sigh of relief. But Donghyuck doesn’t miss it, eyes widening and springing to his feet. He mumbles something about getting another drink, and Mark doesn’t comment on how he has an unfinished drink sitting right in front of him. He knows where Donghyuck is really going, and decides to follow. Finding a spot just within earshot, Mark watches as Donghyuck reaches out and grabs Taeil by the wrist. 

“Moon Taeil! Hold on a second!” Donghyuck exclaims, his voice almost frantic as he stops Taeil in his tracks.

“Donghyuck,” Taeil mumbles, turning slowly to face him. He takes a step back, and Mark thinks he looks a bit panicked. “What are you doing? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just want to know how you’re doing. Catch up, you know? We haven’t really seen each other in a while,” Donghyuck says, chest rising and falling as if he’s been running. 

“I’m actually on my way out,” Taeil says, gesturing towards the door. But Donghyuck grips his wrist tighter, not letting him get away.

“Just give me a minute, please?” Donghyuck asks, almost begging. Taeil bites his lip, looking down at his feet and nodding slowly. Donghyuck lets out a breath, eyes burning as he searches Taeil's face, trying to read him. But Taeil looks away, and Mark can see him fighting his desire to return Donghyuck’s gaze. “Are you doing ok? Mark told me a while ago that you and Johnny were having issues.” 

“That is between Johnny and me. It doesn’t concern you,” Taeil attempts to sound forceful, but it comes out sounding small. Probably because it has _everything_ to do with Donghyuck, Mark thinks as he bites his tongue.

“No, I didn’t mean to imply—it’s just, I haven’t heard from you in a few months and I’ve been worried,” Donghyuck sighs. Mark bites his lip, shuffling his feet awkwardly. He knows how much Donghyuck has worried over Taeil, and Mark almost feels guilty for just letting him worry and wonder silently on the exact reason why he’s been ignored. At the time, he thought he had done what was best for the relationship. _Out of sight, out of mind_ —or at least that was the idea. But as Mark watches his boyfriend melt at the mere sight of Taeil, he suspects it might actually have made things _worse_. Time may heal all wounds, but doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder?

“As you can see, I’m fine. You have no reason to worry,” Taeil mutters as he shuffles back as much as he can. But the hallway is narrow and he soon backs up into a wall. Donghyuck looks at Taeil with furrowed brow and small frown, running a gentle thumb along Taeil’s wrist, and Mark can see Taeil shiver. The tension between them is so palpable that Mark can feel it from where he stands. He is suddenly reminded of that fateful afternoon in the cafe, a wave of nausea falling over him. But he swallows down his fear and discomfort, holding his ground. Mark won’t be left in the dark again.

With nowhere else to go and Donghyuck holding him in place, Taeil takes a deep breath and slowly lifts his face, daring to meet Donghyuck’s gaze. Taeil’s face betrays him, his longing so unmistakable that Mark almost feels it himself. Donghyuck lets out a shuddering breath, as if meeting Taeil’s gaze physically affects him, shaking him to the core. They stand transfixed, Mark doubting they are even aware of the world around them, so lost in each other’s eyes. A few agonizing seconds pass, neither breaking their gaze and Mark thinks he might pass out from holding his breath in anticipation. 

“I miss you, Taeilie,” Donghyuck says suddenly, taking a tentative step closer and practically pinning Taeil to the wall. Taeil looks back at Donghyuck with wide eyes, and Mark thinks that’s the closest Donghyuck has ever been to confessing his feelings. He has debated over the months whether or not Donghyuck has been aware of his feelings for Taeil. But Mark thinks he’s found his answer as he witnesses Donghyuck come to terms with his heart in real time. It makes the small cracks in Mark’s heart grow and creep ever further, threatening to completely break it. He bites the inside of his cheek as Donghyuck’s hand slips down from Taeil’s wrist to his hand. Their fingers tangle gently, not quite intertwining—touch soft and delicate. Mark swallows the lump in his throat but doesn’t look away. 

“Hyuckie, I…” Taeil sighs softly, seemingly struggling to keep his emotions in check. As if in slow motion, Mark watches Donghyuck reach up to brush Taeil’s bangs aside, tilting his head so he can more deeply look into Taeil’s eyes. His finger traces down the side of Taeil’s face, lingering lightly. Taeil swallows, his face ever so slightly leaning into Donghyuck touch, his mouth opening slightly to finish this thought. Mark worries his lip, heart pounding heavily as he watches his boyfriend’s eyes travel down to Taeil’s lips. But then Taeil’s phone rings in his back pocket, and the moment is shattered. Taeil inhales sharply, turning quickly to break Donghyuck’s gaze. “I have to go,” Taeil says, voice breaking as he side steps away from Donghyuck, throwing on his coat in a hurry.

“Taeil, wait—” Donghyuck reaches out for him, but Taeil slips out of his reach. 

Without looking back, Taeil barrels down the hallway and out a side door. Cold air rushes in and slams the door behind him, leaving behind a distressed Donghyuck. Pressing his hands against the wall where Taeil stood seconds before, Donghyuck leans over and hangs his head as if in defeat. Mark lets out a heavy sigh, thinking perhaps they’ve weathered the storm to live another day. But with a deep inhale and clenched fists, Donghyuck straightens, looking over at the door. Mark can see the resolve in Donghyuck’s shoulders, and Mark knows he’s been naive one too many times. He watches helplessly as Donghyuck rushes after Taeil, and doesn’t move to stop him. _What’s the point?_ Mark thinks, brushing away his errant tears and heading back into the crowded bar.

* * *

Johnny looks down at his phone with an arched eyebrow, his call to Taeil going to voicemail. He figures Taeil just can’t hear his call in the bar and shrugs it off. Stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets, Johnny continues his walk down the street towards the bar. He begins to quicken his pace, the idea of Taeil and Donghyuck being in such close proximity gnawing away at his nerves. And the fact he had to hear it from Mark and not Taeil about their run-in just makes him feel more uneasy. As he turns the corner, Johnny looks up to see Taeil stepping out from a side alley, coat haphazardly on as he leans against a nearby wall. He looks upset, face flush and out of breath, head thrown back with eyes closed. _That can’t be good,_ Johnny thinks, praying that it has nothing to do with Donghyuck. But his heart sinks when he sees Donghyuck rush out of the same alley, looking around frantically once he reaches the street.

Johnny stops in his tracks, taking tentative steps back until he’s slightly obscured by the corner of the building. Fists clenched in his pockets, he observes Donghyuck turning to see Taeil, their eyes meeting. In that one charged second, Johnny can read all the unspoken emotions between them—the burning affection and silent longing that time apart have done little to extinguish. 

Taeil suddenly pushes off the wall and makes to walk away, but Donghyuck grabs his arm, turning him around. They stand in the middle of the sidewalk, completely ignoring the passersby and seemingly unaffected by the increasingly cold winter air. They don’t even notice Johnny just around the corner. He wills himself to move—to grab Taeil and get as far away from Donghyuck as possible. But Johnny stays rooted in his spot, unexpectedly paralyzed as he watches Donghyuck and Taeil talk. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Donghyuck asks, his voice fraught and looking at Taeil with what Johnny can only describe as a mixture of confusion and desperation. 

“No, Hyuckie, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Taeil sighs, his breath creating a cloud between them in the cold air.

“Then why have you been avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Taeil bites his lip, but even Johnny can tell it sounds like a lie. 

“Please don’t lie to me, Taeil,” Donghyuck shakes his head as he looks at Taeil with a furrowed brow. “I haven’t heard from you in _five months—_ not days, not weeks, but _months._ You stopped coming to the pool hall and you haven’t logged into _Overwatch_ in forever. You’ve been ignoring my texts and all my calls go straight to voicemail. You’ve practically disappeared. The only reason I know you’re alive and alright is because Mark tells me—and _only_ when I ask him about you. How is that _not_ avoiding me?”

Johnny sees Taeil hesitate, and he can imagine his eyes quivering back and forth as he looks at Donghyuck, trying to figure out how to respond. He opens his mouth, but the words seem to die on his lips. Donghyuck reaches for Taeil’s hand, and Johnny feels his blood pressure spike _._ He shifts his weight anxiously as he sees Taeil swallow, still clearly affected by the slightest touch from Donghyuck. 

“What is going on, Taeil?” Donghyuck asks softly.

“Nothing, everything is fine,” Taeil tries again to reassure him, but it sounds weak. 

“Then why are you acting like we’re strangers? Why are you pushing me away? I thought we were friends.”

“I’m not—I—We’re—,” Taeil stutters, as if wanting to answer all of Donghyuck’s questions at once but unable to manage his thoughts. Johnny takes a deep breath, his nostrils flaring as he watches Donghyuck bring their clasped hands up to his chest, pressing Taeil’s hand to his heart. It’s a small gesture full of loud, unspoken words, and Johnny wonders warily how five months apart could have possibly made things worse. 

“I know you, Taeil—” Donghyuck starts.

“Hyuckie, _please_ let this go,” Taeil mumbles and shakes his head, but it’s obvious to Johnny that Donghyuck isn’t having it. Johnny narrows his eyes, worried about the look on Taeil’s face—he’s beginning to crack. 

“—and I can see everything is _not fine_. You’re _hurting_.” Donghyuck’s eyes soften as he looks at Taeil. He runs a thumb along Taeil’s knuckles as his grips tightens. “Why can’t you tell me what’s wrong? What happened five months ago?”

“Nothing happened,” Taeil’s voice hitches in the back of his throat, and Johnny knows it means he’s holding back tears. “Don’t worry about me, Hyuckie. Go back inside with your friends.”

“I can’t,” Donghyuck shakes his head, forehead scrunched in concern as he takes a step closer. “Because if I do, I’m afraid I may never see you again.” He reaches up and cups Taeil’s face without hesitation. That action seems to break something in both Taeil and Johnny—Taeil lets a tear slip down his cheek while Johnny snaps out of his paralysis. Johnny takes large steps towards them, heart racing as he watches Donghyuck wipe away Taeil’s tear with a soft thumb.

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie,” Johnny hears Taeil say. Just as Donghyuck is about to respond, Johnny reaches out and grabs Taeil’s arm, surprising both Taeil and Donghyuck. 

“Hey! What’s going on here?” Johnny says a little too loudly as he tries to play it cool though his hand feels wet with nervous sweat and his heart beats too loudly in his chest. Taeil pulls back away from Donghyuck, immediately shrinking in on himself and turning to wipe his face with the sleeve of his coat. Donghyuck looks up at Johnny with alarmed eyes before quickly looking back at Taeil. Desperate for this to end, Johnny pulls Taeil into a hug, stepping between them and blocking Donghyuck’s view of Taeil. When Taeil seems to bury his face in Johnny's chest, Johnny feels a bit of his anxiety ease. _It’s ok, he’s still yours,_ he thinks as he rubs a hand up and down Taeil’s back.

“Hey, babe. It’s ok, I'm here now,” Johnny says softly, kissing the crown of Taeil’s head before turning back to look at Donghyuck, nodding to him. “Hey, Donghyuck.”

“Hey, Johnny,” Donghyuck mumbles, not quite looking up at him. “Taeil and I were just talking—”

“I think I’ve got it from here, Hyuck, thanks,” Johnny dismisses Donghyuck, giving him a strained smile. “Maybe Taeil can call you later?” He says it knowing that Taeil won’t, and a small part of Johnny feels smug when Donghyuck looks down at his feet dejectedly. 

“Yeah, sure. I…I guess I should let you guys get going then,” Donghyuck mumbles, shivering, as if remembering he’s standing outside without a coat. “Bye, Taeil,” he says softly before quickly heading inside, and Johnny hopes he heads straight back to Mark, where he belongs. 

Letting out a big sigh of relief, Johnny pulls back, taking Taeil’s face in his hands and looking at him. Taeil doesn’t meet his gaze though, his eyes downcast as he takes a deep shaky breath. Johnny begins to wipe away Taeil’s tears, but Taeil shakes his head and pushes away from Johnny, turning his back to him. Johnny jerks his head, as if slapped in the face. He places a trembling hand on Taeil’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “What’s wrong?” Johnny asks, but Taeil shrugs him off, sniffling loudly. 

“Can we just go home?” Taeil asks in a small voice, shuffling his feet as he avoids looking up at him. Johnny clenches his jaw and takes a calming breath, feeling his old _dread_ sinking its teeth into his heart once more. He turns on his heel, walking towards where he parked his car with Taeil quietly following a few steps behind. They spend the entire drive home in silence, but Johnny thinks it speaks volumes. He tightens his grip on the steering wheel, bracing himself for what he knows will be a difficult conversation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> random ramblings:  
> +so this chapter got out of hand 😬 I got a bit crazy writing and decided to split it up. so the next chapter will take place directly after the events of this chapter.  
> +because of the split, it's now 8 chapters long! ☆*･゜ﾟ･*\\(^O^)/*･゜ﾟ･*☆ more reading!  
> \+ mark : / my poor baby boy, so hopeful but also knows when to give up  
> +Johnny doesn't quite know when to give up, huh? 
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


	6. i don't love you like i did yesterday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the events of this chapter happen immediately after the previous chapter

_Despite what they tell themselves, the heart wants what it wants._

__

* * *

Taeil goes straight to the bathroom when they arrive home, splashing water on his face and taking big, calming breaths. Johnny follows him, anxiously pulling on the sleeves of his cardigan. He knows there’s no way of avoiding this conversation, but a part of him hopes it can wait a few days. After running into Donghyuck, emotions are running high and Johnny doesn’t want either of them to make a decision without thinking it through carefully. Standing at the threshold of the bathroom, he watches Taeil dry his face with a towel, pausing for a few seconds before finally turning to look at him. Johnny swallows the lump in his throat, Taeil’s gaze full of sorrow and heartbreak, but most of all unwavering resolve. 

“I can’t do this anymore, Johnny,” Taeil says finally.

“Can’t do what?” Johnny can’t help but ask, though he knows the answer. 

“This— _us._ Trying to fix what’s beyond repair,” Taeil sighs, voice full of resignation. Johnny thinks he should have been better prepared to hear those words, but each one still hits him in the chest like a bullet to the heart. 

“No, don’t do this, Taeil,” Johnny pleads, shaking his head.

“I, no, _we_ can’t go on like this anymore, pretending everything is fine. You know they aren’t.” Taeil takes a step towards him, but Johnny steps back out of his reach, his heart pounding so strongly he wonders if he might be having a heart attack. Suddenly feeling claustrophobic, he turns around and strides out of their bedroom, needing to escape before he suffocates.

Johnny feels a tug on his back, Taeil gripping onto his cardigan in an effort to keep him from running away from the conversation. “Johnny, please, listen to me,” Taeil pleads, but instead of stopping, Johnny shrugs off his cardigan, ridding himself of it and Taeil as he continues his journey to the kitchen. He fills a glass of water with shaky hands, chugging it as he suddenly feels parched, his entire mouth as dry as a desert. “Johnny,” he hears Taeil call out softly behind him. He closes his eyes for a moment, trying to fight off his urge to look at Taeil but ultimately giving in. Taeil frowns at Johnny, eyes glassing over, “You are so important to me. You’re my dearest friend in the world, my first love, and you and Mark are like family to me. But I—” 

“Please _, don’t,”_ Johnny begs one more time.

“But I don’t love you like I used to, I’m sorry,” Taeil finishes with an uneven sigh. Like a thousand poisoned knives going into his heart, Johnny feels all his emotions bleed out and spoil in his chest. All his love turned to spite, his hope into bitterness. He leans against the kitchen counter, gripping it until his knuckles turn white and tears slip down his face, a deep groan escaping out of throat as he bites his lip, the pain too much and the anger too great to remain contained in his body. Taeil moves towards him, placing a soft hand on his back. But his touch burns Johnny and he shrugs Taeil off, moving towards the living room in an attempt to put distance between him and Taeil. Because if he doesn’t, he’s not sure what he’ll do.

“I’m sorry, Johnny,” Taeil says gently, as if trying to tame Johnny’s wildly raging emotions. But Taeil’s tenderness just further agitates Johnny. He clenches his jaw and turns around, pinning Taeil with his most hurtful stare. 

"If you’re _sorry_ , then why are you doing this? Why are you throwing away years of friendship and love? Why are you ruining what we have?” He inhales deeply as he towers over Taeil. But Taeil isn’t deterred, unintimidated by Johnny's size. Instead he looks up at Johnny, gaze unflinching but compassionate. 

“Because it isn’t right. We’re just making each other miserable,” Taeil tries to reason with him. But the words knock the air out of Johnny's lungs, as if Taeil has twisted one of the many knives in his heart and pushed it in deeper. 

“ _Miserable_? Is that how you really feel? I bring you nothing but _misery?_ Well, I’m sorry you had to suffer so much on my behalf. It must have been _so_ horrible in order for you to fall in love with _my brother’s boyfriend_ ,” Johnny spits out angrily through ragged breaths, pacing around the living room like a wounded animal—anger and pain rolling off him in waves. Taeil watches him, gaze full of heartache.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Taeil says evenly. Deep down Johnny knows Taeil is right, but he isn’t in the right state of mind to think logically. His heart just hurts so much that he wants to lash out, to expel some of his pain onto Taeil. Johnny swallows a sob, wiping away his bitter tears as he turns back to Taeil, pointing an angry finger in his face. 

“Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you two every Sunday? Giggling in the kitchen, eye fucking over dinner, staring at him like he’s the goddamn center of your universe,” Johnny bites his lip, falling heavily on the couch and digging the heels of his hands into this eyes. “It was fucking _torture_ watching you fall in love with him. And now you have the balls to tell me _I_ make _you_ miserable?!”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m so, so sorry,” Taeil moves to sit beside Johnny on the couch, placing a calming hand on Johnny’s shoulder. But Johnny pushes it away, using his overwhelming strength to almost knock Taeil on his back.

“I don’t want your apologies, Taeil. I want things to go back to normal, I want you to love me!” Johnny looks up at Taeil, red eyes narrowed at him as he sneers, “That is, if you ever did love me.” Taeil looks back at him with wide, sad eyes and Johnny knows he’s hit him hard. _Good_ , Johnny thinks. _Feel my pain._

“You bastard,” Taeil mutters. “If I didn’t love you, would I have stayed when you asked?”

“If you _did_ love me, then how could you fall in love with someone else?” Johnny challenges him. 

“I don’t know,” Taeil shakes his head, eyes softening into such a sorrowful gaze that it starts melting away some of Johnny’s ire. “But when I realized I was falling out of love with you, I was _heartbroken._ You were my first love, and losing that love was confusing and terrifying. So when you asked me to give it another try, I stayed because I wanted to at least try getting that love back. And I did try, Johnny, but it’s too late,” Taeil takes a shuddering breath, fighting back frustrated tears as he stares at Johnny with wounded eyes. Johnny feels his anger wane, seeing Taeil’s pain not nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be. It somehow hurts him _more._ When Taeil reaches out for his hands, this time Johnny doesn’t pull away. “No matter how hard we try, we can’t get back what we lost. I’m in love with Donghyuck, and you pretending it’s not true is only causing you pain. By staying together we’re hurting each other. It’s time to let go.”

Johnny takes a shaky breath, closing his eyes as he lets Taeil’s words settle on his heart. _It’s time to let go_. When he had asked Taeil to start over, Johnny thought they could move backwards to a time where they were happy—to a time where Donghyuck wasn’t a familiar name or face in their lives. So anytime Taeil tried to bring up Donghyuck and his feelings for him, Johnny would change the subject or act like he didn’t hear him. He thought he could bend Taeil’s love to his will—erasing Donghyuck from his heart and bringing Taeil back to him. But Johnny realizes now all he had done was trap Taeil in an imperfect memory of their relationship.

“Please try to understand, Johnny,” Taeil says softly, and Johnny thinks he does understand. _We’re just making each other miserable_ , _we’re hurting each other_ —Taeil, trapped in a relationship with someone who refuses to let him go, and Johnny, trying to make someone out-of-love with him love him again. Possession isn’t love, selfishness isn’t love. And if he really loves Taeil as he claims, Johnny has to let him go.

But before he concedes, Johnny has one last question. “Why him?” He asks in a small voice.

“Johnny,” Taeil shakes his head.

“ _Please_ , I need to know,” he insists. The question has been gnawing away at him for months, and he needs to know—out of everyone in the world, why his brother’s boyfriend? Why someone that he knows and likes? Why Donghyuck? Taeil takes a deep breath, eyes looking off to the side for a moment before finding Johnny’s. 

“I don’t know, I…He…he’s like the sun—burning bright with passion, shining and lively. And when I’m with him, I feel alive and energized in a way I don’t ever remember feeling. It’s like every moment is filled with happiness and laughter. _”_ Taeil bites his lip, “But most of all, I feel _known—_ as if he can see into my very heart and understand me. And I him.” 

Johnny sees the love in Taeil’s eyes when he talks, and knows he can never get that love back. It’s gone, and with it the last vestiges of his hope. “Ok,” he bites back tears, nodding slowly as Taeil gives him a sad smile. “Ok, Taeil, I’ll let go. I’ll...I’ll let you go,” Johnny whispers before a sob overtakes him. Taeil pulls him into a hug, and Johnny buries his face in Taeil’s shoulder letting out a deep, guttural sob. He holds Taeil a little tighter, wanting to feel Taeil in his arms just for a little while longer before setting him free. 

“Thank you, Johnny,” Taeil murmurs into his hair, kissing his head gently and letting his own tears fall.

* * *

Mark shuffles behind Donghyuck into their apartment, the air around them thick with tension. The rest of their friend’s birthday celebration passed in an agonizing blur, both stuck in their own heads for hours while having to pretend everything is fine. It was excruciating, taking out any fight Mark had left. He makes his way into their bedroom while Donghyuck makes a stop in the kitchen, chugging a full glass of water and taking a steadying breath before following Mark.

“We need to talk,” Donghyuck says with determination, and Mark knows where this is going.

“About what?” Mark sighs, rubbing his eyes. 

“I think we should break up,” Donghyuck exhales. _Ah, there it is,_ Mark thinks. He had expected this, especially after the evening’s events. And if Donghyuck hadn’t brought it up himself, then Mark would have in the morning. But Donghyuck has done the work for him, and Mark is somewhat relieved. He is too exhausted from bending himself over backwards trying to salvage this relationship to also do the heavy lifting of ending it. 

“Ok,” Mark nods, continuing to change into his sweatpants and hoodie. He can feel Donghyuck’s eyes following him, no doubt not expecting such a blasé response. 

“Are you ok?” Donghyuck queries carefully, watching Mark like he’s lost his mind. And Mark thinks maybe he has, very much over this conversation and wanting to sleep until next week. He sits on the bed and looks up at Donghyuck.

“Yeah, why?”

“Because I just suggested we _break up_ and your response was just… _ok_ ,” Donghyuck points out the obvious.

“Well, I agree with you, so, like, what else is there to talk about?” Mark sighs, rubbing his face with his hands. Donghyuck stares for a moment sitting next to him, placing a hand on Mark’s forehead. Mark furrows his brows, “Whaaaaaat are you doing?”

“You don’t feel warm, so it’s not a fever. Maybe you hit your head and got a concussion?” Donghyuck mumbles, taking Mark’s face in his hands and examining his eyes. “Any headaches? Blurry vision or nausea?”

“Stop it, I’m fine,” Mark pushes away Donghyuck’s hands, hiding his head until his hood. 

“You clearly _aren’t_ fine. I just said I wanted to break up and you barely reacted. You didn’t even look surprised or upset,” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow at him.

“I wasn’t surprised and I am upset, but, like, what difference does it make? You’re in love with Taeil, not me, so why stay together?” Mark frowns. Donghyuck stares at Mark with wide eyes, face red as he opens his mouth like a fish out of water. 

“ _What_?” Donghyuck asks, completely caught off guard. Mark simply raises an eyebrow at him and Donghyuck’s brain seems to take an extra few seconds to catch up. He runs confused hands over his face. “You know?” Donghyuck mumbles through his hands before looking back at Mark. Mark nods, and Donghyuck just shakes his head, “ _How?_ ”

“I had my suspicions, but I saw you two talking at the bar earlier and it was, like, _super_ obvious,” Mark pouts, playing with the cords of his hoodie. “I know I’m kind of slow sometimes, but, like, you also aren’t great at hiding your emotions, Hyuck.” 

“Fuck,” Donghyuck mutters to himself, dropping his head into his hands again. He presses the palms of his hands into his eyes. “ _Fuck,_ I’m sorry, Mark. I just—I—ugh!” he chokes on his words, an exasperated groan escaping his throat. 

“It’s ok—I mean, it’s _not_ ok that you, like, fell in love with my brother’s boyfriend. It’s pretty fucked up, actually. But, like, it is what it is, you know?” Mark sighs, scooting back onto the bed and hugging his knees to his chest.

He sighs again, just wanting to go to sleep and start his life over in the morning. It’s not that he doesn’t care or isn’t hurting. In fact he feels like he might break in half with the gentlest of touches. But Mark has also been living with the pain of Donghyuck’s wavering feelings for months and has become somewhat accustomed to it. And now that they both know where Donghyuck’s heart lands, Mark just wants to begin the process of moving on. He wants to cry in the shower, eat an entire pizza by himself, cry some more, and rewatch all the Marvel movies in order—then repeat the process until he feels somewhat normal again. Donghyuck, however, has had less time to ruminate over it, Mark thinks. So he waits for Donghyuck to process his thoughts, sitting in a tense silence.

“How long have you suspected?” Donghyuck asks after a few minutes.

“A while. The day of your licensing exam to be exact.”

“ _That long?_ Jesus, I literally figured it out a few hours ago,” Donghyuck mutters, shaking his head in disbelief. “I’ll admit, though, I was confused about it for a while. I thought it was a silly crush, but in the last few months I really started questioning myself.” He sighs, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “If you knew all that time, why did you never say anything?”

“I honestly didn’t know what to say,” Mark pouts in thought. “You didn’t seem to realize it yourself, so, like, why bring it up and complicate things? I hoped once Taeil stopped contacting you that you’d get over it. Like, out of sight, out of mind kind of thing.” 

“You know about that?” Donghyuck looks up at him sharply, brow furrowed. 

“Yeah,” Mark takes a deep breath, looking Donghyuck squarely in the eye. “When Johnny told me we’d be stopping Sunday dinners, he also told me Taeil had decided to, like, cut ties with you.” 

Donghyuck blinks a few times, and Mark can see him trying to fill in the gaps in his mind but still missing a few pieces. “Why didn’t you tell me? I worried so much about him,” Donghyuck says quietly, and Mark bites his lip.

“I didn’t tell you because, like, I didn’t want to have ‘the talk’ with you. I was scared it would make things worse.”

“What do you mean by ‘the talk’?” Donghyuck titles his head, narrowing his eyes. “What do you know? What happened to Taeil?” Donghyuck turns his entire body to sit cross-legged on the bed, facing Mark and imploring him with concerned eyes. It suddenly occurs to Mark that he still doesn’t know, and just assumes something bad happened to Taeil for him to ghost him. It almost makes him laugh. _Almost_.

“Do you really not know?” Mark questions and Donghyuck shakes his head fervently, giving Mark a confused look. Mark leans back, completely bewildered. How can someone be so smart and oblivious at the same time? _Those two are truly idiots,_ Mark thinks to himself. “The reason they stopped Sunday dinners and Taeil, like, ghosted you is because Taeil is in love with you, Hyuck. They were, like, separating you from Taeil, hoping it would help fix their relationship. And, like, I guess, ours too.” 

Mark rests his chin on his knees, watching a myriad of emotions cross Donghyuck’s face. Confusion, shock, happiness, guilt, elation, back to confusion. Mark thinks Donghyuck might have malfunctioned until his face slowly reddens, starting with the tip of ears and going all the way down to his neck. Donghyuck lets out a laugh, and Mark isn’t sure if it’s in disbelief, because he finds the situation ridiculous, or because he’s happy. Probably a little bit of each, Mark thinks. 

“Taeil _loves_ me?” Donghyuck says in a small voice, and Mark sighs, really wishing he could just go to sleep. 

“From what I saw today in the bar, yes. But, like, he’s also still with Johnny, so I’m not sure what his intentions are. You’ll have to ask him,” Mark says, pulling on the cords of his hoodie. Donghyuck’s apparent glee seems to deflate a bit as he looks off into the empty spaces of their room. The growing silence between them has Mark’s own mind wandering, seeking answers to questions that have plagued him since that day in the cafe. Questions that he’s no longer afraid of asking because at the moment, he has nothing else to lose. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Donghyuck says, moving until his back hits the headboard.

“When did you fall out of love with me? Was it something I did? Did I, like, make you unhappy?” Mark asks, genuinely curious. But Donghyuck shakes his head.

“No, you were a _great_ boyfriend. You’re kind, funny, caring, _so_ caring; I was never unhappy with you, Mark,” Donghyuck sighs, picking at the threads of his ripped jeans. “It’s just—there’s something _there_ when I’m with Taeil. Something _more_. I can’t explain it. It’s like…like he _inspires_ me—to be better, to do better, to laugh and be happy," Donghyuck sighs, and Mark thinks he sounds smitten. “Can I ask _you_ something?” Mark shrugs, not really caring about anything much as this point. “How did you know before I did?”

“You were nice to him,” he says simply, but the answer seems to confuse Donghyuck. Mark chews on his lip, “Ok, ok, ok, how do I put this? You like teasing people, messing with them, right? But with _him_ , you were like…like a _puppy_. Nice, gentle, smiley—practically a puddle of goo whenever he’d look at you.”

Donghyuck flushes, clearly embarrassed at being outed so easily. “I couldn’t help myself, I guess. He’s just too _cute_ ,” Donghyuck smiles to himself. “How can someone be so fucking adorable? And so smart, and so pretty, and so funny, and his _ass,_ it’s just so—” Donghyuck motions his hands as if squeezing Taeil’s cheeks. 

“ _Stop it!”_ Mark yells, throwing a pillow at Donghyuck. “You, like, _literally_ just dumped me. I don’t want to hear, like, how wonderful he is.” Mark exclaims as he continues to beat Donghyuck with a pillow. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! _”_ Donghyuck cries, grabbing the pillow from Mark and taking his hands instead. “I really mean it, Mark, _I’m sorry_ ,” Donghyuck frowns, “I’m sorry it took me so long to figure my shit out and putting you through all of this.”

“I know,” Mark sighs, pouting as he squeezes Donghyuck’s hand. Mark lies down on his back, closing his eyes. “You know what I just realized?”

“What?”

“We’re, like, pretty terrible at communicating. We kept so much to ourselves, just like, hoping things would change without actually talking about it,” Mark squints an eye open to see Donghyuck chewing on his lip and nodding in agreement. Mark wonders, if they had just been honest with each other, would they have made it? If Mark had brought up his suspicions, if Donghyuck had told him about his crush, if Mark had told Donghyuck the truth about Johnny and Taeil—so many ‘what-ifs’ and no way of knowing if any of it would have made a difference. And Mark knows he’ll think about those ‘what-ifs’ for weeks to come.

They sit in silence for minutes, and Mark feels himself drifting off to sleep. But Donghyuck’s distressed sigh brings him back to the present. He blinks his eyes open to see Donghyuck hugging a pillow to his chest. “What am I supposed to do now?” Donghyuck wonders aloud to himself.

“Just go to bed, Hyuck. You can figure it out tomorrow.” Mark mumbles, rolling onto his side, back to Donghyuck. He hears Donghyuck sigh and slowly get off the bed. Mark waits for his familiar weight to shift the mattress, but it never comes. He hears the bedroom door softly close and Donghyuck’s soft footsteps in the living room. Mark lets out a sigh of relief. _Finally, it’s over._ A few tears slip through his closed eyes, and he falls into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Mark and Johnny sit on a park bench, each sipping their coffees in silence. Johnny sighs, slouching in his seat and watching people pass by on a peaceful Saturday morning. Despite it being early winter, it’s a sunny, beautiful day—not at all a reflection of how the brothers feel inside. Johnny breathes deeply, taking a sip of his coffee before turning to Mark. “I’m guessing, because you texted me this early in the morning on a Saturday, that things did not go well for you last night?”

“You would be correct,” Mark shakes his head. “We should have broken up months ago. I was stupid _and_ stubborn thinking it was a good idea to, like, try and fix it,” Mark pouts, playing with the cup in his hands.

“You were in love, and you didn’t want to lose him,” Johnny sighs, sipping his coffee and looking up at the blue sky. “Is he moving out?”

“Yeah, we have a friend who has a spare room, so, like, he should be out sometime tomorrow,” Mark mumbles. 

“Once he’s out, can I move in with you?”

Mark turns sharply to look at his brother, seeing the resignation on his face. Mark sits up straighter, “Dude, don’t tell me—”

“Yeah,” Johnny nods, blinking slowly. “I thought Taeil was giving me a second chance, but really I was trapping him in a dead relationship,” Johnny turns back to look up at the beautiful, clear sky. He frowns, “If anyone is stupid and stubborn, it’s me. I should have let him go sooner.” 

Mark stares at Johnny with soft eyes, knowing that his break up is going to hurt more and take longer to get over than his own. Mark loved Donghyuck and had known him for a couple of years, but Taeil was _family._ Taeil has been in their life since Johnny was in high school and Mark in middle school. Like two peas in a pod, wherever Johnny went, Taeil was always there by his side—birthdays, graduations, family vacations, holidays. He was always like a second brother to Mark, loving and supporting him all these years. It’s why he originally wanted Donghyuck to meet _both_ of them—the two closest people in his life. Somehow it feels like they are both losing two people—for Mark, his boyfriend and a brother, for Johnny, his childhood best friend and boyfriend.

“I’m sorry, dude,” Mark mutters, placing a hand on Johnny’s knee, squeezing it. Johnny sniffs, closing his eyes as he feels the warmth of the sun on his face, letting a tear slip down his face.

“Me too.”

* * *

“This should be the last of it,” Donghyuck says to Jeno as he shoves a box of books into the backseat of Jeno’s small hatchback. Donghyuck sighs, looking up at the window of Mark’s apartment. _This is it,_ he thinks, _the end of a chapter._ As he climbs into the passenger seat and slams the door, his phone vibrates. With a heavy sigh, Donghyuck lazily picks it up. Sitting up with a jolt, heart in his throat, he reads Taeil’s name on the screen. _New Message. Moon Taeil._ Donghyuck swallows, his heart racing and hands slightly trembling as he swipes his finger across the screen. It almost doesn’t feel real, not after all those months of hoping for a sign from Taeil and getting radio silence. But here it is, finally, the message he’s been waiting for.

_I miss you too Hyuckie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> random notes:  
> \+ and so markhyuck and johnil end 😭  
> \+ this is the first chapter where we got to see a tiny bit of Hyuck's thoughts 🤔  
> \+ the next chapter will be all hyuckil, the first time we see things from their perspective. look forward to that!
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


	7. end to start

_Where one door closes, another one opens. Where two hearts break, two collide. It is both the end and the start._

* * *

Donghyuck stares at his phone, finger hesitantly hovering over Taeil’s name as he stands outside his apartment. He isn’t sure why he’s nervous. They’ve been texting back and forth for a few days already and it’s the whole reason Donghyuck is here. _Do you want to come over later?_ Taeil had asked him. _We should probably talk in person._ Donghyuck had practically dropped everything to race over before remembering it was only noon and he and Taeil still had to finish their work days. He watched the minutes and hours tick by slowly until finally he could rush out and hop on the first bus to Taeil’s apartment. But now that he’s here, he hesitates—his hands shaking with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. Though it’s been less than a week since running into each other at the bar, Donghyuck feels like it’s been a lifetime since last seeing Taeil. So much and yet nothing at all has changed in the last few days, and it somewhat terrifies Donghyuck.

He lets out a breath to steady his heart rate, a small cloud forming in the cold air. Despite Mark telling him Taeil is in love with him, Donghyuck has yet to hear the words directly from Taeil. He doesn’t doubt Taeil’s feelings, his actions speaking louder than his words, but the whole situation makes him feel a bit apprehensive. Their love sprouted out of a complicated scenario with too many hearts involved, too many histories intertwined, resulting in two relationships crumbling apart. Though Donghyuck and Mark may have separated mostly amicably, Donghyuck knows things were more difficult for Taeil and Johnny. And because of that, Donghyuck doesn’t want to make assumptions about where he and Taeil stand. He just hopes for the best, but tries to prepare himself for the worst. 

With that last thought, Donghyuck bites his lip and closes his eyes, pressing the call button. He puts the phone up to his ear and hears it ring once, twice, thrice, four times until finally Taeil picks up. 

“Hey, Hyuck,” Taeil says softly on the other side of the line. Hearing Taeil’s voice constricts Donghyuck’s heart. Suddenly overwhelmed, he leans back against the light pole behind him. 

“Hi, Taeil,” Donghyuck sighs into the phone, opening his eyes slowly. There is silence over the line for a few seconds, only the sound of their breathing filling Donghyuck’s ears. He nervously digs his shoe into some freshly fallen snow. He looks up at the window of Taeil’s apartment, seeing the glow of the kitchen lights. “I...I’m right outside your place.”

“Oh,” Taeil says somewhat surprised. Donghyuck can see movement near the window before Taeil’s face pops into view. He gives him a little wave and Donghyuck feels his heart skip a beat. _Fucking adorable. “_ Wow, you’re quick. I didn’t expect you until later.”

“I caught an early bus,” Donghyuck says sheepishly. 

“Lucky me then,” he hears Taeil chuckle softly, and Donghyuck feels the tension in his shoulders loosen just the tiniest bit. “Come on up, the code is still the same.”

Donghyuck exhales, pocketing his phone as he pushes off the light post. He walks through the building doors and begins his ascent up the stairs. He follows the same steps he would take every Sunday with Mark, and his mind wanders to the very last time he was here. He was full of uncontainable excitement, each step taking him closer to seeing Taeil, his heart pounding in anticipation as it does now. He didn’t recognize it then, but he does now—the longing that propels him towards wherever Taeil is.

He stops at the door, punching in the code he memorized immediately after Taeil had shared it with him almost a year ago. _In case of emergencies, or if you ever want to stop by without Mark,_ Taeil had winked and smiled at him, and Donghyuck remembers how his face had heated up. He pushes the door open and is met with the familiar apartment of his memories. With the exception of Johnny’s things missing at the entrance, it all looks pretty much the same. Hanging his coat and shuffling off his shoes, Donghyuck slowly walks in, spotting Taeil standing in the kitchen, back turned to him. He’s hit with a wave of memories, each one of Taeil standing in the exact spot. Donghyuck would always call out to him ‘ _Master Moon Chef! Your assistant has arrived!’_ and Taeil would turn around, greeting him with a winning smile. 

It all seems like it happened to someone else in another time and place. But it was in this apartment where Donghyuck got to know Taeil. It was here he fell for Taeil’s charms, his complicated and silly sense of humor, his calm demeanor, big heart, and bright smile. It seems surreal to be back to where it all started.

“Taeil?” he calls out softly, and Donghyuck watches as Taeil turns to him and smiles like he always used to do. His cheeks bunch up, smile warm under the low kitchen lights, his eyes squinting into happy half moons. With that one smile Donghyuck feels almost all his apprehension disappear. 

When Taeil waves at him, hand hidden under the long sleeves of his sweater, Donghyuck’s heart flutters and he almost lets out a whimper. He can feel that familiar pull between himself and Taeil, being separated from him physically aching. He takes hurried steps towards Taeil, tackling him in a tight embrace that almost knocks them both to the ground. Taeil rests his head on Donghyuck’s shoulder as Donghyuck clamps his arms around Taeil’s middle, burying his face in Taeil’s neck. “Taeilie,” he mumbles in greeting as he closes his eyes and inhales deeply, letting himself revel in the feeling of Taeil in his arms. 

“Hey, Hyuckie,” Taeil whispers into Donghyuck’s ear, smiling to himself as Donghyuck burrows into his neck, breath tickling his skin. Taeil grips his arms around Donghyuck’s neck and pulls him closer, molding their bodies together until there is not but a millimeter separating them. Taeil has never been a big fan of physical affection, but Donghyuck’s hugs are some of his favorites. Taeil feels safe and warm in Donghyuck’s arms; he feels at home. Taeil lets out a satisfied sigh, his body finally getting the touch he’s been craving for months.

They stand in the middle of the kitchen, swaying slightly as they take a moment to feel each other’s presence. It’s been too long, and they need a minute to take it all in. Taeil eventually pulls back much to Donghyuck’s displeasure, standing at arm’s length as he gives Donghyuck a once over. When Donghyuck arches his eyebrow at him, as if asking ‘ _Like what you see?’,_ Taeil bites his cheek to hide a smile. 

“You look good,” Taeil mumbles, reaching up to brush aside Donghyuck’s long hair from his face, getting a better look at him. “Though a little skinnier than the last time I saw you.”

“It’s because I haven’t been eating Master Moon Chef’s masterpieces,” Donghyuck pouts, and Taeil grins, having missed Donghyuck’s signature cheekiness. Donghyuck tilts his head to give his own evaluation of Taeil. Taeil looks happy to see him, but his eyes are framed with dark circles. “You look tired.”

“I haven’t been sleeping great the past few weeks.” Taeil sighs, folding his arms against his chest as he leans back against the kitchen counter. 

“Me neither,” Donghyuck nods and frowns, an unspoken understanding passing between them.

They fall into an uneasy silence. Donghyuck has so many questions he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say but doesn’t know where to start. Taeil picks at his lip, thoughts swirling as he thinks over the events that have led them to this point—warm memories mixed with pained one, love and relationships lost and gained. 

“I—” 

“I’m—” 

They both speak at the same time, laughing awkwardly. Donghyuck nods at Taeil, rocking back on his heels as he gestures for him to go first. 

“I’m sorry about you and Mark,” Taeil offers Donghyuck his condolences, though he’s not sure it’s worth much at this point.

“Thanks. We...had our moments,” Donghyuck sighs. It’s true that he and Mark have always played well; it’s what made their relationship so easy going and fun. But what ultimately led to their demise was Donghyuck’s hesitation in giving his entire heart to Mark. He always held back just a bit, afraid of letting Mark in completely. In contrast, Donghyuck wants to chuck his heart at Taeil, giving him full claim over it. That alone tells Donghyuck he and Mark were never really meant to be. “I’m really sorry about you and Johnny. It must be hard, after all these years.” 

“It’s definitely not easy, but it’s better this way,” Taeil mumbles. A part of Taeil will always love Johnny, but he also knows they couldn't stay together. Johnny had become someone Taeil didn’t recognize—paranoid and obsessed with keeping Taeil in a bubble, living in the past and refusing to see the truth. No matter how much Johnny wished it, Taeil couldn’t fix his broken heart if he was also the one causing the pain. Letting go was the right thing to do. Taeil just hopes Johnny heals and finds happiness. Taeil sighs, blinking back tears as he looks back at Donghyuck. “We really made a mess, Hyuckie.” 

“I believe the technical term is _shitshow,_ ” Donghyuck gives Taeil a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. Taeil laughs—a small giggly laugh, the kind he gives when he finds something funny even though he knows he shouldn’t. It’s one of Donghyuck’s favorite laughs, but it’s also a reminder of the seriousness of their situation. They stand in the wreckage of their two previous relationships, hoping to salvage something out of it.

Once his giggles settle, Taeil gives Donghyuck a small, sad smile. It’s warm and soft, but also full of unspoken sorrow and regret. It makes Donghyuck’s heart ache. He gently takes Taeil’s hand in his, inhaling deeply as he revels in how soft his skin feels. Donghyuck used to cherish every small and fleeting touch between them, each one little sparks of joy that would set Donghyuck’s heart aflame. He grasps Taeil’s hand tightly, intertwining their fingers. He feels that familiar flash of electricity, the ever growing warmth that would fuel him for days until the next time he saw Taeil. He lifts Taeil’s hand to his lips and kisses it firmly. _God, his hand is so soft_ , Donghyuck sighs to himself. He looks up to see Taeil watching him with soft eyes, and he’s suddenly overwhelmed, no longer able to keep his feelings to himself. 

“Taeil, I…Before we talk about anything else, I need to get this off my chest,” Donghyuck swallows, a lump forming in his throat. “I know things are... _complicated_ right now, but I want to tell you that I love you. _I love you,_ MoonTaeil, more than anything or anyone,” Donghyuck says softly, voice hitching in the back of his throat. Taeil’s face softens as Donghyuck nervously kisses his hand again. “I also want you to know that I don’t expect anything in return. You’ve been through a lot lately, and I don’t want to burden you with my feelings. I just—I wanted to tell you. At least once. That I love you.”

Donghyuck lets out a shaky breath, looking down at their interlaced fingers. Being so vulnerable has never been easy for Donghyuck, and laying his heart and soul bare before Taeil is terrifying. But he came here with the intention of being completely honest with Taeil, and Donghyuck thinks the discomfort of being exposed will be worth it. Or at least he hopes so.

Taeil sighs and lifts Donghyuck’s face to look at him. Donghyuck feels his heart racing, the way Taeil’s eyes wander all over his face set every nerve on Donghyuck’s body on high alert. He holds his breath, waiting for Taeil’s response. He meant his words—he doesn’t want to put the responsibility of his happiness on Taeil. Because at the end of the day Taeil owes him nothing—not his time, sympathies, explanations, and most importantly not his heart. All Donghyuck wants is Taeil to be happy, and he can only hope that happiness includes him in the equation. 

Taeil indulges himself, taking his time as he searches Donghyuck’s face—every mole and beauty mark, the golden hue of his skin, his lump lips and expressive eyes. His large, brown eyes that light up in delight when he laughs, shine mischievously when he thinks he has the upper hand in a pool game, and sharpen with determination when concentrating on work. How Taeil _loves_ those eyes.

“Your love is not a burden, Hyuckie. It never has been and it never will be,” Taeil responds softly, and Donghyuck’s heart feels like it might burst. Taeil reaches out to cup Donghyuck’s cheek, and his skin burns where Taeil’s hand touches him. Unable to resist the pull between them, Donghyuck closes the distance and fixes Taeil with a heated gaze. “And I...I…” Taeil mumbles, melting under Donghyuck’s stare. His thoughts drift as he can only concentrate on Donghyuck’s closeness, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. Donghyuck gently brushes Taeil’s hair out of his eyes and rests his hand on the back of his neck, moving in on Taeil until their foreheads meet, trapping Taeil against the kitchen counter.

“You what, Taeil?” Donghyuck breathes out, warm breath fanning Taeil’s cool, chapped lips. Eyes half-lidded, Taeil watches Donghyuck with a longing that is reflected in Donghyuck’s gaze. Taeil shutters, hands finding their way onto Donghyuck’s shoulders, squeezing them as his heart beats rapidly in his chest. Donghyuck licks his lips as his eyes travel down Taeil’s face. Taeil swallows, his ears reddening under Donghyuck’s hot gaze.

“I love you too, Lee Donghyuck. With all my heart,” Taeil finally responds, in the same breath pulling Donghyuck the few centimeters separating their lips and kissing him. 

Donghyuck’s lips are soft and full under Taeil’s, stealing the breath out of Taeil’s lung as he breathes into the kiss. Taeil can feel his body awakening, as if every small instance they spent together has accumulated into this one moment. Every slight touch and longing look kindling for the fire that is this kiss, the heat burning Taeil from the inside out. He wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s neck, pressing his lips more firmly against Donghyuck’s as he finally fully opens his heart to Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck feels like he’s in heaven, his entire body singing as Taeil pulls him closer. It’s as if he’s flying and falling all at once, his heart racing and his body shaking with adrenaline fueled solely by Taeil’s lips. He digs his long slender fingers into the nape of Taeil’s neck, wanting to deepen the kiss, _needing_ to feel and taste more of Taeil. As if reading his mind, Taeil runs a wet tongue against Donghyuck’s lower lip. Donghyuck responds immediately, opening his mouth to allow Taeil entry—to take a taste. And does Taeil _taste_.

Taeil sucks on Donghyuck’s top lip, tongue running along the underside. It’s smooth and has a lingering taste of cola. He stores the taste into the vault of his mind along with his other precious memories that kept him going those lonely five months. _Cola lips. Sundays cooking. Pool games and karaoke duets. Overwatch and study sessions. Late night texts. Warm hugs and gentle hands. Heartfelt conversations. Inside jokes. Bouncy hair. Smiles and twinkling eyes. Sun-kissed skin and constellation of moles. Laughter, so much laughter._

Donghyuck tangles his tongue with Taeil’s, slick and wet and wanting to explore every single part of Taeil’s beautiful mouth. He’s had dreams about this mouth—how he wants to kiss it, have it on his body, the words he wants to hear slip through its lips. It’s the mouth that makes him laugh, gives him confidence, sings with him, brightens up his day with smiles. He doesn’t even mind how chapped they are, thinking that he can be the one to moisten them with more kisses. He bites down on Taeil’s bottom lip and feels it plump up under his teeth, making sure to run a soothing tongue along it. 

When Taeil moans, Donghyuck’s heart practically leaps out of his chest and replies in kind. _Yes, sing for me—sing, moan, sigh, tell me how much I affect you because God knows you devastate me,_ Donghyuck thinks. He wraps his arms around Taeil’s middle and tangles his hands in the soft fabric of Taeil’s sweater, wanting to feel the skin hiding underneath. Taeil bends back slightly against the countertop, lightly rising on his toes to gain some leverage. Taeil finds it fascinating how they are almost perfectly level, their small height difference making it so they can stand perfectly flush against each other from thigh to chest. They pull each other ever closer until only atoms and molecules separate them. 

Donghyuck feels his body quickly overheating and he sucks on Taeil’s plump lower lip one last time before slowly pulling back, desperately needing air. Resting his forehead against Taeil’s, Donghyuck opens his eyes. Taeil still has his eyes closed, but Donghyuck can see the flush on his cheek and his lips are swollen and wet. He looks thoroughly kissed, and Donghyuck thinks it’s the most gorgeous Taeil has ever looked. Taeil slowly opens his eyes, chest rising and falling as he tries to catch his breath. They stare at each other for a moment before they break out into matching grins.

“You have no idea the effect you have on me, Taeilie,” Donghyuck sighs as he nuzzles Taeil’s face with his nose. He pulls back to run soft fingers through Taeil’s hair, smiling to himself as he falls back into a memory. It seems surreal that almost a year ago he walked into this kitchen not knowing what was awaiting him. “When I first met you, it was like a spell was cast on me.”

“Am I a wizard now?” Taeil scrunches his brow with a laugh. Donghyuck inhales deeply, tilting his head as he picks off a random strand of animal fur from Taeil’s face. When the blush on Taeil’s cheeks deepens, Donghyuck thinks he might have fallen in love all over again.

“When you turned around in that silly chef’s hat—I was _instantly_ hooked on you, Moon Taeil,” Donghyuck smiles, fondly remembering that first Sunday dinner. He was so focused on making a good impression on Johnny, not giving much thought to the ‘brother’s boyfriend’, that he was completely caught off guard when he set eyes on Taeil. His bright smile, round cheeks, adorable laugh, easy going confidence and sincerity—Donghyuck felt a shift in his heart. Perhaps it wasn’t love at first sight, but there was a pull he couldn’t deny. 

“You mean my Master Moon Chef hat?” Taeil raises his eyebrows in disbelief. “I was just joking around. Mark can get a bit tense when nervous, and I thought it would help lighten the mood.” 

“You were silly and adorable—just my type.” Donghyuck bites his lips, his ears reddening as he prepares to spill his deepest secrets. “It’s mostly that you weren’t afraid of being yourself, and that intrigued me. The more I got to know you, the more I liked you. Soon enough you were haunting my every thought. ’What is Taeil doing?’ ‘Has he eaten today?’ ‘I bet Taeil would like this restaurant.’ ‘Did he get to see any cute kittens at work today?’ ‘I hope Sunday gets here sooner so I can see Taeil again.’” Donghyuck smiles to himself, “I sound ridiculous, don't know I?”

“No, you don’t,” Taeil whispers, smiling knowingly at him. 

“All I wanted was to be with you—wanting to know what you were doing and thinking and feeling all the time. And since Mark wanted me to get along with both you and Johnny so much, I told myself I was doing it for him. But I was really doing it for myself. Even after you ghosted me, I couldn't let you go.” Donghyuck swallows in slightly embarrassment, realizing just how foolishly in love he sounds. “What I’m trying to say is—you really got a hold on me, Taeil.” 

Taeil observes Donghyuck for a moment before slowly giving Donghyuck one of his most dazzling smiles. All pearly teeth with the smallest glimpse of his gums, crinkled nose and rosy apple cheeks, eyes turned into happy crescent moons. Donghyuck catches his breath, dazed by Taeil’s brilliance. 

“ _Well_ , that was _quite_ the love declaration, Hyuckie,” Taeil teases. He tilts his head cutely, looking at Donghyuck through his lashes. “Should I return the favor?” Donghyuck blushes but breaks out into an excited smile. 

“By all means, _declare away,_ ” Donghyuck bounces on the balls of his feet excitedly. “What was it? My killer looks? My amazing wit?” Donghyuck waggles his eyebrows and puffs his chest with bravado. Taeil can see a sparkle in Donghyuck’s eyes, the same glint of playfulness and glee that completely captivated Taeil’s heart.

“Your _cheekiness_ ,” Taeil laughs, pulling on the cords of Donghyuck’s hoodie and drawing him in for a quick kiss. “But yes, during that first dinner you charmed me with your humor and wit. I honestly found myself hoping you’d keep coming back. When you showed up the following Sunday, I was thrilled. I kept looking forward to seeing you, and I had convinced myself it was because Mark and Johnny wanted all us to get along. But the truth is I enjoy your company.” Taeil smiles fondly as he brushes Donghyuck’s long hair behind his ear. “You’re so much fun, you make me laugh, everything feels so easy with you—like I can talk to you about anything. I mean, you’re the only one who will listen to me rant about the differences in cat breeds.”

“Who _doesn’t_ find that fascinating?” Donghyuck quips as he bites back a smile. Taeil pinches his cheek and Donghyuck isn’t sure his heart can grow any more.

“See? _Cheeky,_ ” Taeil smirks at him. “But your passion and kind heart really got to me. And soon enough I found myself coming back to you over and over again. I fell in love with you so gradually I didn’t even realize it until Johnny pointed it out to me.” Taeil frowns to himself, momentarily reliving that painful conversation in his head. “You had buried yourself too deep in my heart that even five months apart couldn’t erase you from my heart.” 

“I know what you mean,” Donghyuck sighs deeply, resting his head against Taeil’s. “Those months without any word from you were some of the longest in my life.”

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie,” Taeil frowns, gripping Donghyuck’s arms as he bows his head in apology. “I wanted to contact you, but I had promised Johnny I wouldn’t. And I couldn’t just throw away what I had with Johnny. He and I—our history goes back years. I had to at least try,” Taeil sighs, biting his lip. 

“You don’t need to apologize, Taeil,” Donghyuck shakes his head fervently, taking Taeil’s hands in his and kissing them reassuringly. “You were trying to save your relationship. I don’t begrudge the choices you had to make.”

“But I caused you so much pain,” Taeil frowns. The memory of Donghyuck’s face at the bar after five months spoke volumes and Taeil knew he had made a mistake. “I should have at least told you I was fine.”

“I won’t lie, it was torture not knowing why you started avoiding me or what had happened to you. But it was also the sort of wake up call I needed,” Donghyuck sighs, playing with Taeil’s fingers. “It was during that time that I seriously started thinking about what you mean to me, how I felt and how my heart was changing. And seeing you at the bar—it was both crushing and awakening. I knew then, without a doubt, that I love you.”

“We were just two pining idiots, weren’t we?” Taeil sighs, and Donghyuck can’t disagree. He kisses Taeil on the neck before pulling him into another tight hug. Taeil wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s neck, resting his chin on Donghyuck’s shoulder. Donghyuck grips Taeil’s middle, pulling him closer as if trying to absorb him into his very body. If he can help it, Donghyuck never wants to be separated from Taeil again, never wanting to feel the emptiness in his heart he felt all those months. 

With a heavy sigh, Taeil pulls back, rocking back on his feet. Donghyuck loosens his arms but doesn’t let Taeil go completely. He sees the concern written on Taeil’s face and frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m really happy right now,” Taeil sighs, tapping his fingers on Donghyuck’s shoulders restlessly.

“Are you sure? You look like someone just kicked a puppy,” Donghyuck furrows his brows.

“No, really, I’m so happy to be with you right now, but…” Taeil trails off, eyes downcast as he grips Donghyuck’s shoulders. “Do I deserve to be this happy after the pain I caused Johnny and Mark? Are we moving too fast? We both just got out of relationships, mine a particularly long one. Shouldn’t we take some time, if not for ourselves then out of respect for Johnny and Mark?”

Is it his right to feel happy in Donghyuck’s arms when it’s at the expense of Johnny and Mark? He loves the brothers like they are his own family, and losing them in order to be with Donghyuck feels like a high price to pay. But when Donghyuck looks at him with loving eyes, Taeil thinks this is the best of the options presented to him. The _right_ choice. There is nowhere else he’d rather be. He bites his lips, his eyes misting over as his heart battles over the guilt and love he feels. 

“This may not mean much coming from me, but regardless of how things ended, you deserve happiness, Taeil. Plus, I’m just as responsible for causing them pain, so don’t carry that burden all on your own,” Donghyuck says carefully, placing Taeil’s hand on his chest, right over his heart. “And we don’t need to figure this all out right now. We can do it together, one step at a time. There’s no rush.”

Taeil’s eyes widen, hand clenching Donghyuck’s chest and feeling his heart beating loudly and steadily. He feels tears form in the corners of his eyes, his breath hitching in his throat, overwhelmed by the love he feels for Donghyuck. 

“I love you, Hyuckie,” he whispers. A few tears slip through his lashes, and Donghyuck gently wipes them away, caressing Taeil’s cheek. 

“I love you too, Taeilie,” Donghyuck smiles brightly, and it makes Taeil’s heart skip a beat. 

Donghyuck leans in for a kiss just as his stomach makes a loud growling noise. Taeil laughs into Donghyuck’s lips, making Donghyuck’s heart swell. He thinks it’s one of the greatest feelings in the world—Taeil’s happiness spilling out of him and into Donghyuck himself. They pull back and Taeil arches an eyebrow at Donghyuck. “Didn’t you eat before coming here?”

“How could I have kept you waiting?” Donghyuck pouts. “There was no way I was going to delay seeing you for one second. Not even food was going to keep me from you.” 

“Then shall I make us something to eat? I don’t have many ingredients at the moment, but I can figure something out,” Taeil offers, rubbing Donghyuck’s stomach affectionately.

“How about we go out instead? I’ve been craving that hotpot place by the library for a while,” Donghyuck counters.

“Are you paying?” Taeil teases, and Donghyuck can’t help himself.

“Let’s make it interesting,” Donghyuck smirks.

“What do you have in mind?” Taeil leans back against the counter, pulling Donghyuck with him as he pins him with a hot gaze.

“First one to moan has to pay,” Donghyuck growls as he pounces on Taeil’s lips. Taeil giggles into Donghyuck’s lips, but gets to work winning the bet. The kiss is soft and languid, the pressure building slowly. When Taeil inhales deeply, pressing against Donghyuck once more, Donghyuck feels like his heart might burst. He breaths Taeil in, tasting and feeling and trying to pull Taeil into his body. It’s the type of kiss that’s devouring. If you stay there for too long you may never come out, sinking further and further until you completely disappear. Donghyuck doesn’t think it’s a bad idea, drowning in Taeil’s kiss. When Taeil simultaneously grips the hair at Donghyuck’s nape and bites his bottom lip, Donghyuck lets out a deep moan from within his chest, enjoying being manhandled a bit too much. He can feel Taeil giggle, scraping his teeth along his lip as he pulls back. 

Donghyuck stares at Taeil with wide eyes and flushed cheeks as Taeil smiles triumphantly at him. “Guess you’re paying,” he whispers before softly kissing Donghyuck’s swollen lip and pulling him towards the door. Donghyuck follows him in a daze, thinking he’s never been happier than in this moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random musings:  
> \+ the first hyuckil chapter! felt kind of strange not writing from mark or johnny's POV, but refreshing change, no?  
> \+ a new set of feels this chapter- the sappy, fluffy kind! 🥰  
> \+ this is everyone’s reward for sticking with the hurt for so long, hope it was worth it  
> \+ next chapter will be the end of this long angst journey. Look forward to that 😊
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


	8. yesterday, today, tomorrow

Mark yawns, sleepily opening his eyes and seeing the sunlight streaming through the window. Shifting under a heavy arm draped over his middle, he blindly grasps for his phone on the bedside table. “What time is it?” he grumbles, but instead of getting a response, the arm simply tightens around him, pulling Mark closer. Finally locating his phone, Mark brings it up to his face, squinting as the screen light momentarily blinds him. “ _Shit_ ,” he groans, attempting to sit up, “Why didn’t my alarm go off?” 

“It did, you just turned it off,” Jungwoo mumbles, burying his face into Mark’s neck. 

“Come on, let me up. I’m, like, beyond late,” Mark sighs, poking the arm wrapped around him. 

“Just ten more minutes,” Jungwoo whines, cuddling into Mark more aggressively, erasing any willpower Mark had to actually get out of bed. _Why is he so cute?_ Mark sighs in defeat, letting his head fall back against the pillow. He calls his brother’s number and chews on his lip.

Johnny narrows his eyes and pouts as he stares at his laptop screen, editing the photos from his outing the weekend before. His phone rings and without looking answers, “Let me guess, you overslept and are running late?”

“Dude, I’m _soooo_ sorry. I stayed over at Jungwoo’s and, like, my alarm didn’t go off or something. But, like, I’m about to head out,” Mark lies through his teeth, still trapped underneath the deadweight of a half asleep Jungwoo and making no effort to fight him off.

“No, no, it’s fine,” Johnny says exasperated. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. This makes it the fifth time in a row Mark has overslept and missed their Saturday brunch. Since meeting Jungwoo, Mark’s propensity for sleeping-in late has only gotten worse. Johnny thinks maybe they should switch back to Sunday dinners. “Just come over for dinner with Jungwoo sometime next week and we’ll call it even.”

“But I’m—”

“Mark,” Johnny sips his coffee, already over it. “Go back to bed and say hi to Jungwoo for me, ok?” 

“Thanks, dude,” Mark sighs, and Johnny knows Mark is smiling like an idiot. He can’t blame his brother. If it were him, he’d also rather spend a Saturday morning snuggling up with his boyfriend than having brunch with his brother.

“ _You’re the best, Johnny~!”_ Jungwoo sings sleepily as he takes the phone out of Mark’s hand and tosses it somewhere in his room. He rests his head on Mark’s chest and kisses it tenderly before closing his eyes, contentedly snuggling his boyfriend. Mark just laughs, pinching Jungwoo’s cheek affectionately as he pulls him closer and closes his eyes.

 _Another Saturday morning alone_ , Johnny sighs, lifting his arms over his head and stretching out his back. He doesn’t really mind though, pleased that Mark has found someone that makes him happy. He hasn’t seen Mark quite this giddy since, well, _never_. Even with Donghyuck, Mark wasn’t as obnoxiously enamored as he is now—constantly smiling, humming to himself, glued to his phone waiting to hear back from Jungwoo every second they are apart. And Johnny can’t blame him, there is little to dislike about Jungwoo. He is kind, gentle, and extremely likable; hilariously random with a soft heart, always putting a smile on Mark’s face. 

Johnny is glad to see Mark completely embrace this new chapter of his life, not letting the past hold him back. He envies Mark sometimes, wishing he too could embrace his future so quickly and with such vigor. Johnny feels like he’s almost there; he just needs a little more time, or so he tells himself.

Johnny yawns, lifting his cup to his lips only to realize he’s run out of coffee. He pouts, contemplating whether to go for a second cup of coffee or not. The cafe is starting to get a bit crowded, and he doesn’t want to lose his seat by the window. He’s debating whether anyone would actually steal his laptop and camera if he got up for just a few minutes, when suddenly someone places a fresh coffee on his table. “Oh, that works,” he mutters to himself before looking up to thank the kind stranger. But the words die in his throat.

“You had that ‘I need more coffee’ pout. You can have mine, I just got it,” Taeil smiles at him shyly. 

Time seems to stop, the sounds of the cafe fading into the background as Johnny stares at Taeil unblinking, wondering if he’s having a stroke. Taeil slowly sits down across from him, and Johnny can feel his heart pounding uncontrollably in his chest. Even after all this time, Taeil still manages to have an effect on him. He goes into a quiet panic and simply stares at Taeil, not mentally prepared for this in the slightest. Johnny barely has time to collect his thoughts before Taeil clears his throat and smiles at him again. “Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you. I just—I saw you, well I h _eard_ you first, and I just, I—” Taeil seems to ramble nervously before clearing his throat again, a flush on his face. “I wanted to say hello. So…hi, Johnny.”

“Hi, Taeil,” Johnny manages to mutter, closing his eyes and opening them again, trying to settle his startled heart. He honestly never expected to run into Taeil at this cafe. It’s in a neighborhood far removed from any of their previously intertwined lives, or in a “safe zone” as he had declared it when he and Mark had started visiting the cafe six months ago. Perhaps this is the universe telling him it’s time to stop running away from his past and face it head on. 

“How are you? It’s been a while,” Taeil says softly. 

It’s been over a year since Taeil last saw or talked to Johnny, and seeing him in person is not an unwelcome surprise. He had heard Johnny’s familiar exasperated tone through all the noise in the cafe, and Taeil’s instinctual reaction was to turn around and berate him for harassing Mark. The reaction surprised Taeil, finding it simultaneously second-nature and unfamiliar, having done it hundreds of times but a lifetime ago. Taeil thought he was perhaps hearing things, but then spotted Johnny on the phone by the window, and his heart almost stopped at the sight of him. Taeil watched Johnny as he waited for his coffee, noting how relaxed and content Johnny seemed. He looked like the Johnny of years past, and it made Taeil’s chest tighten. And without really thinking, his feet had taken him to Johnny.

“I’m—I’m good. Yeah, things are good. Just, um, editing some photos,” Johnny manages to say, fiddling with his camera nervously—a camera he is all too aware Taeil gifted him a few birthdays ago. “How about you?”

“I’m good, too. I was at the animal rescue a few blocks from here and just stopped in for a drink.” _Animal shelter_ , Johnny mentally smacks himself. He forgot there’s one nearby, so it’s really a surprise they only ran into each other now and not sooner. And sure enough, Taeil is wearing his ‘volunteer clothes’—Converse, old baggy jeans, ridiculously large tote bag full of treats, winter coat sprinkled with stray strands of dog and cat fur.

“Ah, visiting your babies?” Johnny asks without really thinking. 

“Exactly. Got to show all the good boys and girls they are loved, right?” Taeil smiles at him brightly, and Johnny feels his heart do something strange—it doesn’t flutter, but it beats contentedly. Taeil looks genuinely happy, not like the shell of a person from the last months of their relationship. His eyes are bright, cheeks rosy and smile glowing, and Johnny can’t believe he had almost snuffed out that light. 

They sit in an awkward silence for a few more seconds before Taeil’s phone vibrates. He clumsily picks it up, the big grin spreading over his lips telling Johnny it’s from Donghyuck. He remembers how that smile used to cause him pain. But now, he feels…. _indifferent_. It’s unexpected, and Johnny lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, suddenly feeling relieved.

“Is it Donghyuck? How is he?” Johnny asks, raising an eyebrow. Taeil looks up at him sharply, surprised by his tone. Gone is the bite whenever he’d say Donghyuck’s name, gone is the glint of distrust in his gaze. Johnny sounds simply curious _,_ and Taeil has to sit back in his chair for a second to absorb it.

“He’s good, same as ever. Except now in addition to causing mayhem, he’s playing match maker. He thinks because he’s set up one happy couple, it’s his calling to set up all of his single friends,” Taeil grins, and that makes Johnny laugh. 

“I admit, he did a pretty good job with Mark and Jungwoo. I’ve never seen Mark quite so annoyingly smitten,” Johnny concedes, never not finding it absurd how Donghyuck had forced his way back into Mark’s life just to introduce him to Jungwoo, a friend from work and fellow nurse. 

“They are great together, aren’t they?” Taeil smiles. He had been the one to give Donghyuck the go ahead to set up Mark with Jungwoo, giving Jungwoo the ‘brotherly’ seal of approval. He may not be Mark’s actual brother, but Taeil still loves him like one, and wanted to make sure Jungwoo would do right by Mark. So knowing Johnny approves gives Taeil a sense of relief.

Another silence falls between them, but it doesn’t feel awkward like before. It’s almost pleasant. Taeil watches Johnny for a moment before deciding to take the plunge. “You know, I see Mark once in a while when he and Hyuck hang out. It would be nice if, maybe, all three of us could get together too—you, me, and Mark. Like old times.”

Johnny leans back in his chair, surprised by Taeil’s suggestion. Johnny doesn’t answer right away, his brow slightly furrowed and eyes narrowed. As the seconds tick by, Taeil begins thinking maybe he misread the mood and crossed a line. _Just because Johnny is being friendly doesn’t mean he wants to be friends,_ Taeil berates himself. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I asked. Of course you wouldn’t want to hang out, not after what I did to you. Forget I asked. Again, sorry,” Taeil laughs uncomfortably, face heating up as he wrings his gloves in his hands nervously.

Johnny suddenly reaches out, placing a hand on Taeil’s restless ones. He looks up at Johnny with wide eyes, expecting to see disdain or anger. But Johnny smiles at him, and it’s gentle and sweet—so much like _his_ Johnny that Taeil feels his heart skip a beat. 

“I’m sorry, Taeil,” Johnny says, face soft and eyes imploring.

“For what?” Taeil mumbles confused.

“For putting all that guilt on you. What happened between us, I’m at fault too,” Johnny sighs, giving Taeil an apologetic smile. “You falling out of love with me did hurt, obviously, but I’m the one that dragged it out and caused us more pain in the end. I had wanted you to stay, but I also didn’t want to face our issues head on. I put the burden of fixing all of our problems on you alone, trapping us both in a vicious cycle of disappointment and heartache. And I...I’m sorry _.”_ Johnny takes a deep breath, looking down at their hands for a moment. It took him months of introspection to get to this point, and none of it was easy. To admit he had some part to play in their downfall was a bitter pill to swallow, but ultimately freeing. And now it’s his turn to free Taeil of his guilt. Because Johnny knows Taeil—he is the kind to take full responsibility for their breakup and carry it heavily in his heart. And Johnny doesn’t think it’s fair to put that burden on him twice. “I don’t blame you or Donghyuck for what happened. You couldn’t help falling out of love, and I shouldn’t have pressured you to stay. It is what it is.”

“Johnny,” Taeil says softly, completely taken aback. He was convinced Johnny would resent him for the rest of his life. But then again, the Johnny Taeil knows has a big, loving heart. And Taeil shouldn’t have forgotten that so easily.

“I’m glad you’re happy, Taeil. I _really_ am. And you don’t need to worry about me. I’m good, I promise,” Johnny squeezes Taeil’s hand. 

Taeil smiles softly at Johnny, nodding slowly as he squeezes his hand back, “Thank you, Johnny.” They smile at each for a moment before Taeil clears his throat and pulls his hand back, checking the time on his phone. “I should get going. I’m meeting Hyuck in a minute. We actually just moved in together not far from here and Hyuckie wants to get a new couch. He thinks the old one isn’t comfortable enough."

“You mean the one from college?” Johnny asks, raising an eyebrow.

“The same one,” Taeil nods. 

“What’s he talking about, that couch is comfy as hell,” Johnny mumbles.

“Right? Perfectly lived in.” They share a laugh, and Johnny suddenly feels ten times lighter than he’s felt in a year. “Anyway, I have to go,” Taeil mumbles, standing up and putting his gloves back on and lugging his hilariously large tote bag on his shoulder.

“What about your coffee?” 

“You can keep it. I just came in here to kill some time,” Taeil insists.

“Ok, thanks,” Johnny nods. “Oh, and, um, I wouldn’t mind getting together. With you and Mark.”

“Really?” Taeil’s face lights up.

“Yeah. I think it would be nice,” Johnny smiles up at Taeil, thinking it actually would be nice.

“Ok, great! Text me when you’re free and we can set something up,” Taeil smiles brightly at him. “It was nice running into you, Johnny.”

“You too, Taeil,” Johnny gives Taeil a little wave as he skips out the cafe door. 

Johnny sighs, clutching his chest as he sinks into his chair. Running into Taeil caught him completely off guard, but it left him feeling _warm,_ unexpectedly so. When Mark had first mentioned seeing Taeil a few months back, Johnny wasn't sure he’d ever be ready to see Taeil again, the emotions and memories of their relationship still raw in his heart. But seeing him now, so suddenly, had proved to Johnny that he’s healed much more than he had assumed. Seeing Taeil still hurt, but not the all encompassing pain that had him crying in the shower for months after their breakup. It was a dull ache, a longing. But it also felt _nice_ , like seeing an old friend. Johnny smiles to himself, thinking perhaps he is ready to move on, finally.

He sips his gifted coffee and looks out the window, seeing Taeil waiting to cross the street. He spots Donghyuck across the way, waving excitedly at Taeil. He has that big smile on his face Johnny remembers seeing all those Sunday dinners. Johnny turns in his seat, watching the scene unfold before him with a bit of curiosity. As Taeil reaches the opposite side of the street. Donghyuck launches himself at Taeil, wrapping him in his arms and lifting him up in the air. Taeil laughs with pure glee as Donghyuck smothers his face with kisses before setting him down. Taeil grasps Donghyuck’s arms as he takes Taeil’s rosy cheeks in his hands and kisses him deeply, their mingling breaths making small, wispy clouds in the cold winter air. When they pull apart, Donghyuck adjusts Taeil’s beanie, head tilting affectionately as he kisses Taeil’s nose for good measure. They stand close together, as if the world only exists within the tiny bubble of them two. Johnny remembers them disappearing into their own little world dozens of times—at the PC bang, cooking dinner, playing board games, drives back from the library. It seems they still haven’t broken out of the habit, and oddly enough it brings a smile to Johnny’s face. 

“You won’t believe who I ran into,” Taeil smiles at Donghyuck who wraps his arms around Taeil’s torso, rubbing his hands up and down Taeil’s back to warm them up. “ _Johnny_.”

“ _No way_. Where? At the cafe?” Donghyuck’s eyes grow wide as he grips the back of Taeil’s coat. 

“Yeah. I heard him yelling at Mark on the phone before I actually saw him.”

“I bet that lazy bum overslept at Jungwoo’s and missed another brunch,” Donghyuck mutters and Taeil nods with a laugh. “So, how was it?”

“It wasn’t bad, actually. It was awkward at first, but he warmed up after the shock of seeing me started to wear off.” Taeil smiles, but Donghyuck can see there is something more lingering behind Taeil’s eyes. He takes their hands and rubs them together, blowing warm breath onto them.

“Did he say anything...interesting?” Donghyuck pouts quizzically. Taeil smirks, not at all surprised Donghyuck could read his face so easily.

“He did, actually—he _apologized_ for how things ended between us. I wasn’t expecting that,” Taeil sighs. “It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” Donghyuck smiles softly at Taeil, knowing how much the guilt has been gnawing away at him for the past year. 

“I’m happy for you, Taeil. Seems like a really big step to becoming friends again.”

“Actually, he said he wouldn’t mind hanging out with me and Mark sometime,” Taeil bites his lip shyly, looking up at Donghyuck through eyelashes.

“Taeilie! That’s great!” Donghyuck laughs, bouncing on the balls of feet, excited for his boyfriend. 

They’ve talked at length about how Taeil wishes he could get the brothers back in his life again. It was partly why Donghyuck wanted to set Mark up with Jungwoo, besides the fact he thought they would be perfect together. Since he and Mark had ended on fairly good terms, it was easy slipping back into being friends. But Donghyuck knew Johnny would be a challenge. Taeil had been nervous about reaching out to Johnny, thinking perhaps it was still too soon. But Donghyuck had told him to at least try, and if all else failed to rope Mark into it. But it seems like fate had other plans for all of them.

“It’s not a sure thing, so don’t get too excited, Hyuckie,” Taeil laughs as he takes Donghyuck’s hands and puts them in his pockets, warming them up. He wonders if Donghyuck purposefully forgets his gloves so he has an excuse to hold Taeil’s hands. Not that he’s complaining, though.

“Have a little bit of faith,” Donghyuck smiles at Taeil, squeezing Taeil’s hands and leaning down to kiss him. Taeil inhales deeply, Donghyuck’s lips and breath warming him from the inside out. He pulls back and rests his forehead on Donghyuck’s, smiling to himself. 

“Johnny says the couch is comfy,” Taeil mutters into Donghyuck’s lips, and he can feel Donghyuck groan in annoyance. 

“It is _not_ comfortable,” he whines, frowning at Taeil. “Not all of us have a gloriously plump ass like you, Taeilie.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Taeil laughs.

“It is not just a mere _compliment_! Your lucious hips and thick thighs are a national asset! Am I not doing a good enough job of worshiping you, Moon Taeil? Do I need to try harder?” Donghyuck waggles his eyebrows as Taeil laughs.

“You’re impossible,” Taeil smiles, cheeks pink.

“No, just in love,” Donghyuck sighs with a dopey smile.

Johnny watches as Donghyuck nips Taeil’s nose, and he smirks to himself. Taeil never would have accepted such shameless displays of affection with him. But with Donghyuck, he seems to blossom under it. It’s sickeningly adorable. Donghyuck starts walking backwards, pulling Taeil with him as they talk animatedly together. They both look so carefree and in love, and Johnny can’t deny they look good together. He sighs, fully admitting that he and Taeil just weren’t meant to be. And he thinks he can accept that now. 

As the couple turn the corner and leave his sight, Johnny turns back to his photos with a sigh. He clicks through them once more, finding his focus once again when someone catches his attention.

“Excuse me? But, is that a Nikon D850?”

Johnny looks up at the deep, velvet voice, coming face to face with one of the prettiest faces he’s ever seen. When Johnny continues to stare at him, the stranger smiles, the largest dimples popping into beautiful smooth cheeks. 

“S-sorry, I, what?” He stumbles over his words, and the man laughs—it’s a deep chuckle, and Johnny thinks he feels it reverberate through his chest, making his heart skip a beat.

“Your camera,” the man points, “Is it a Nikon D850?”

“Oh—yeah. Yes, it’s a D850,” Johnny clears his throat, blinking up at the handsome stranger as his face heats up.

“Do you like it? I currently have the D610 but I’m looking to upgrade,” the man takes out his own camera from his bag, sitting in the chair that Taeil had just occupied a few minutes before. Johnny stares at him, completely taken with the stranger’s boldness and beauty. _Who is this guy?_ As if reading his mind, the stranger smiles sheepishly, the dimples only getting deeper. “Ah, sorry, I’m being rude, aren’t I?” he laughs again—that deep laugh that somehow sounds both dorky and sexy at the same time and completely turns Johnny’s insides into goop. “I’m Jaehyun,” the man extends out his hand, smiling brightly at him, eyes turning into happy half-moons. Johnny, holds his breath as he tentatively takes Jaehyun’s hand.

“I’m Johnny,” he says. And when their hands meet, Johnny feels a flash of electricity shock him, making his heart flutter.

  
...

 _the end_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats! You have survived the ride on the pain train and arrived at the happy station of hyuckil, markwoo, and johnjae. I promise, they are all very happy in the future :)
> 
> Thank you to everyone for reading and making it to the end! I hope you all enjoyed the journey as much as I enjoyed writing it. In all honesty, I didn't think many people would be interested in this very random story I had stuck in my head, so thank you for all the kudos and kind words, you have no idea how grateful I am. I love you all ♡
> 
> Come say hi/follow me on:  
> +tumblr [@shining-moon-taeil](https://shining-moon-taeil.tumblr.com)  
> +twitter @shining_taeil_


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